Why I Hate “Criminal Minds”

It’s not that Thomas Gibson is such a wooden actor with a monotone voice.
It’s not that Matthew Gobble Gubler is SUCH a wienie.
It’s not that I don’t buy the relationship between Shemar and the lady described as
“the poor man’s Pauley Perrette.”
It’s that they linger on the creepiness of what the freakazoids do.

Remember the 1980’s Diet Pepsi commercials?
Diet Pepsi, one small calorie; now you see it, now you don’t.
With sleek, sleek bodies
and ladies lips suggestively sucking
Diet Pepsi through a straw.
I’m not saying I had to grab “Little Waldo” right then and there.
But I’d definitely put the commercials into my “spank bank”
WAY before the term “spank bank” was invented
As far as I know.

So, the killer who pulls the woman out of the trunk in his basement
And smells her hair and kisses her and whatnot
(I won’t go on any more in that vein because I don’t want to dignify it)
I’m absolutely sure that someone, somewhere
(A number of people, a number of wheres)
Is/are sputting off to that part of the show.
And the lingering done by the writers, producers, directors, actors
Of that show
Lingering on the creepy scenes
Does NOTHING
To advance the main plot, which is the
“How do we catch this ‘FUCK’?”
Aspect of the show.

It would be more than enough
To just gloss over the abduction part
Just show a woman in the headlights of a car
Or walking outside somewhere
Then, you know, TALK about the fact that she’s missing,
Then TALK about the creep’s proclivities
Then SHOW how you catch him.
Wouldn’t that be enough?

And don’t get me started
About “Law and Order SVU”
I know the job would make a cop be “negative”
But, still, a little more likability
Coming from Jayne Mansfield’s kid
And from Chris Macaroni
Wouldn’t fucking hurt the fucking plot, would it?
Although I would seriously DO that one DA girl
If she had poor taste.

(This isn’t a Pulitzer Prize winner; I just had to get back on the bicycle before the wheels fell off)

(BTW, it’s 2016, people; I don’t care that Shemar Moore’s and Kirsten Vangsness’s characters’ friendship is interracial, or that he’s “much prettier” than her. It just somehow seems forced, is all.)

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10 Responses to Why I Hate “Criminal Minds”

  1. Forced, yes. I agree. But how I long for that kind of unconditional, ‘we’re both cool with this so it’s not creepy’ love fantasy. That’s about the only part I could deal with these days.

    The weird shift from ‘how do we catch this creep’ to ‘how long can we watch a sick bastard hurt someone’ really crept up on me last year. Made me feel sick for watching so I stopped. Except for the one a couple weeks ago where Shemar Moore left. Wanted to see the goodbyes.

    Glad you got back on the bike.

    • Hi–sorry for the lateness, but I’ve been “off my feed” as far as wanting to write.
      It’s kinda like reading serial killer books for me–when I first read about Ted Bundy I was fascinated by the whole story, then after a few, I’d gloss quickly over the creepy shit they’d do and get to how they were caught (usually a traffic stop or something) and now I won’t go near any serial killer true crime books.
      Thanks for commenting.

  2. The Hook says:

    I gave up on this show a long time ago.
    Looks like it was the right decision.

  3. ksbeth says:

    it terrifies me.

  4. Gregoryno6 says:

    Can you do True Detective?

  5. Pam says:

    I hate this show for more reasons than I care to list. My husband LOVES it, though. Ughhhhh

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