Things I’d Say on Bluetooth

You’ve seen ’em, those bluetooth users who seem like they’re talking to themselves, who say “Hello” really loud, then look wide-eyed and cross at you when you say hello back, at about the same time you see their earpiece.

If I had the money, I’d get one of those odd mobile-phone devices commonly known as a bluetooth, drink a bit too much coffee, and walk around walmart with it strapped on my ear. When I’d come near people, I’d start up some “conversations” with my imaginary cell phone caller, something like these:


Hi, honey, what’s up?
Honey, don’t worry, I don’t think they’ll come tonight.
Calm down, honey. They don’t abduct the same people every night.
Honey, had we ever seen a UFO before last week?
Well, then maybe we won’t see the spaceship again for a long time.
No, honey, I didn’t like it either.
Yes, dear, I’m still sore too from what they did to us.
No, I didn’t think I’d ever have anything like that up there either.
No kidding, it’s great that we had extra days off to recuperate.
Well, I told you to use aloe vera.
Yes, I know you had double the fun.
Somehow I knew they were going to let us go, didn’t you?
And man were they uggggly!
Ha ha, I was hoping that would make you laugh.
No, I didn’t like it, you little fucker.
No, I’m not going to rush out and buy a black dildo, or a spaceship looking dildo. But you probably will. I think you were sweet on that one Martian.
That one that was a lighter green than the other two.
No, goddamnit, I did NOT like him! I think you’d like to have his Martian child.
Yes, he, she, well, IT would be a beautiful alien…human…thing.
Yes I’m saying you’d give birth to a lovely interplanetary baby. I bet that wasn’t your goal in your high school yearbook. Well it was 1969, I guess, so maybe so.
Oh, yeah 1979, sorry, ha ha.
Yes, I’m a cradle-robber honey, and you’re the prettiest space mom ever.
Ha ha, no, I don’t want to watch the Twilight Zone when I get home.
No, I’m not going to forget the whipped cream.
Or the aloe vera.
Love you too, honey.


Hi honey.
Over by the incontinence products.
Yes I know you don’t like the same products I do.
I don’t know, that Depends.
Yes, I think I’m funny, at least one person has to.
It was “designer Depends” that I wanted them to advertise. Their advertising tagline would be “Fashion Depends on You.”
Yes, honey I’m adding them to my shopping list right now. KY lube and typing paper and pop tarts.
No I am not going to buy a Justin Bieber CD, you tramp.
I thought you liked being called that.
Sorry. I won’t call you that again. Whore.
Do they even sell CDs any more?
Who besides me buys CDs?
Yes, honey, I’m absolutely sure they’re losers too.
But they don’t have beautiful wives like I do.
Hey, I try. Looking forward to taking those fashion Depends OFF you.
Ha ha, love you too.


Hi, boss.
Yeah, I know we screwed it up today.
But you shoulda seen her.
She came to the door in just a robe. I don’t think she had anything on at all underneath.
Yeah, and she kept bending over in front of me to ask Ed questions about what he was hooking up. Then she’d look back at me.
Yes, I apparently forgot to get the washing machine drain hose secured into the drain.
Yep, that’s why her basement floor got all wet.
Yes boss, she got all wet too the day we were there. That’s why you’re the boss, I guess, because you’re the classiest one of us.
Yeah, her and Ed disappeared into the other part of the basement for about 20 minutes. I just figured he was having her sign the papers.
Yesss, I guess she was signing the papers with her lips.
Yes, with Ed’s pen.
Yesssss, I know I shoulda noticed they were gone for too long, but I couldn’t see past the giant mug of coffee and the plate of cookies she left on the dryer.
Well, she shoulda gone to the rec room with me. I would’ve made her forget about her wet floor.
Yeah, I know I had plenty of time to double-check the connections. I was too busy checking out the drawings of her on the basement walls. Naked with snakes wrapped around her. Her body and her face, but more stylized, like she was some kinda warrior woman.
Yeah, Ed’s one lucky sumbitch.
Yes, ha ha ha, I’m sure you would’ve got the 2-ball in the corner pocket. I’m sure HR would like to hear that you said that.
Wow! I was thinking the same thing, boss, that tomorrow would be a good day for me to take the day off. See you Monday, boss.
Oh, and boss? Sorry about the wet spot, you know, in her basement.
Fuck you too….sir.


Mom, mom, MOM! Calm down!
You what! You and Dad need more money?
Mom, did I or did I NOT give you guys a hundred bucks last month?
Well, how much toilet paper and chicken noodle soup can 2 people go through in a month?
Can’t you skip a meal or two here or there?
Do you really need ALL those pills?
Oh wah, wah, wah, diabetes medication costs so much money. Can’t you just drink more orange juice or something?
Oh, oh, oh, you changed my diapers didn’t you? Let’s bring that up every time I don’t want to finance your casino trips. You seem to forget who had the damn diaper detail for Dad when you had the flu that one weekend.
You think you’re sorry that I missed my date? I just LOVED telling Sally, “Oh, honey, I can’t take you to the movies tonight because my MOM has a little bug, and she’s too LAZY to do the poop detail for Dad.”
Yeah, Mom, I guess that makes me sooooo mean. I’m such a bad person because I wouldn’t rather change my dad’s underwear all weekend than be on the silk sheets putting my girlfriend’s legs up in the air.
Gee, I’m sorry you don’t appreciate that rough talk. I guess I was the result of immaculate conception, wasn’t I, Mom?


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8 Responses to Things I’d Say on Bluetooth

  1. The Hook says:

    We need to get you Bluetooth… Now!

  2. kitchenmudge says:

    This needs to be a series on YouTube.

  3. I thank you for the “follow.” I shall endeavor to inform and amuse…and, above all, always try to be interesting. continue…

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