Best Opening Lines For My Next Dating Profile

Pushing 60 pretty hard here, so, despite past experiences, I somehow feel that I need to try the damn internet dating game again, mainly because in just a few months I won’t fit into the age range of men who are being sought by 45-60 year old women (the ages I usually window-shop for on dating sites).  I plan to wow ’em with:

1.  I’m lookin’ for a specific type of lady–one with fewer felony convictions than I’ve had.  ‘Course, if you’ve had more’n 14, you probably ain’t too picky, so I should be “in like Flynn.”

2.  I need me a woman who can cook and clean fish and game, and knows what to do with the bone.

3.  Hopin’ you have some property with a good-sized shed on it where I can “do some cookin’.”  Would help if you could get us a steady supply of cold medicine.

4.  I like my women skinny, so if you go under 350 pounds, we could make something happen, you and me.

5.  Do you have a daughter 18-27 years old?  I like to “keep it IN the family.”

6.  Assumin’ we get that far on the first date, it’s a heat rash, dangit, NOT an STD.

7.  Lookin’ for a hottie I can build a log cabin for in the Black Hills someday, if she can afford the logs.  If she’s good to me, I might even let her out of the kitchen and bedroom area and into the rest of the cabin sometimes.

8.  Never mind all that stuff about my 6 ex-wives disappearin’ “under mysterious circumstances”–you can’t believe all that hogwash on the internet.

9.  Ya got a brother who’s kinda cute too?

10.  I own my own trailer outright, and still have several teeth; in Kentucky I’d be considered a “prize.”


Any ideas for “opening lines” for my profile? 

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5 Responses to Best Opening Lines For My Next Dating Profile

  1. Sophia Ball says:

    How’s about:

    “I lead what I like to think of as the best little commune in Utah (don’t believe what you hear in the news, we are NOT a cult!). Sitting on a beautiful 160-acre piece of land that I own myself (and don’t have to pay taxes for, I might add, no matter what the government says we are a religion), you’ll have lots of female friends to bake pies with and wash the clothes! And you’ll never have to deal with sexual harassment (except from me of course – haha kidding! *awkward laugh*) because our young men leave at 16 completely of their own free will (it has nothing to do with me – I swear). I’m just looking for that super-special third wife. Don’t tell them, but the first two have gotten really naggy and you know what they say: Third time’s a charm!”

    PS – I feel like I just betrayed my entire gender. I feel dirty.

    • I like this very much, and would probably get some takers. Have always thought about starting my own cult, except without the gun-hoarding bullshit or the anti-government paranoia or the pedophilia. Every ADULT woman would be mine, of course, and my followers would give me all their money. All I’d have to do is spout some quasi-religious crap, and maybe feed them once in a while.

  2. The Hook says:

    My Lord, this is brilliant!

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