Pushing 60 pretty hard here, so, despite past experiences, I somehow feel that I need to try the damn internet dating game again, mainly because in just a few months I won’t fit into the age range of men who are being sought by 45-60 year old women (the ages I usually window-shop for on dating sites). I plan to wow ’em with:
1. I’m lookin’ for a specific type of lady–one with fewer felony convictions than I’ve had. ‘Course, if you’ve had more’n 14, you probably ain’t too picky, so I should be “in like Flynn.”
2. I need me a woman who can cook and clean fish and game, and knows what to do with the bone.
3. Hopin’ you have some property with a good-sized shed on it where I can “do some cookin’.” Would help if you could get us a steady supply of cold medicine.
4. I like my women skinny, so if you go under 350 pounds, we could make something happen, you and me.
5. Do you have a daughter 18-27 years old? I like to “keep it IN the family.”
6. Assumin’ we get that far on the first date, it’s a heat rash, dangit, NOT an STD.
7. Lookin’ for a hottie I can build a log cabin for in the Black Hills someday, if she can afford the logs. If she’s good to me, I might even let her out of the kitchen and bedroom area and into the rest of the cabin sometimes.
8. Never mind all that stuff about my 6 ex-wives disappearin’ “under mysterious circumstances”–you can’t believe all that hogwash on the internet.
9. Ya got a brother who’s kinda cute too?
10. I own my own trailer outright, and still have several teeth; in Kentucky I’d be considered a “prize.”
Any ideas for “opening lines” for my profile?