Funny Blog Friday: Where Does He Get Those Stupid Taglines

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Hi folks–So, I let myself get talked into doing this “Funny Blog Friday” thing (hence the logo above) which is starting (I guess) on Halloween 2014 (Friday this year).  I think Victoria intends to keep doing it (FBF that is–not sure when she intends to do “it”; that’s her business) on Fridays hence.  I’ll probably just do it (FBF, that is; not sure when I intend to do “it” either, to be truthful) this one time, because I said I would and they like you to be able to give away things and I have nothing to give away, so I’m going to claim that one lucky commenter, to be chosen somehow at random by me, gets a free copy of a book I’m probably never going to write.  So since I’ll owe one person a book, I’ll have to write some dreck sometime in the relatively near future, and self-publish it somehow.  Which I suppose is a good thing, because then in the nursing home someday, I can say I wrote a book once.  Here’s the links to other participants, the organizer Victoria of AngstAnarchy being the first:

Funny Bloggers already involved:

Victoria of Angst Anarchy

Alanna of White Girls Be Like

Jamie of Fits of Wit

H.E. Ellis of H. E. Ellis

Jessie of Jessie Reyna

Alice of Alice at Wonderland

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I See Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Me

Karilin of That Nameless Color

Arthur of Pouring My Art Out

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Herewith my entry:  “Where Does He Get Those Stupid Taglines”:

Ever find yourself asking “What was that blogger smoking when he came up with that bizarre tagline?”  Or, “Was she channeling Jodi Picoult when she came up with that sappy tagline?”  Wow, maybe you need a hobby if that’s the boring shit that goes on in your brain.  I’ve changed mine from time to time over the years, even gone back to older ones at times.  I really can’t remember all the ones I’ve had, but, to the best of my memories, they include at least these:

“Life in the Slow Lane”  (the first tagline I used, I think)

“A Big Fat Load of Pretentious Crap”  (Still the Best Descriptor of my blog and one I’ll probably go back to)

“If I Were a Carpenter and You Were a Lady, I’d Build You a House So We Could Make Love in One of Those Built-In Pantries”  (might have been some drinking involved in this one, and a Bobby Darin video the first time I used it)

But my latest, the one I’ve had for a while now, is “Life Is Not a Patio Furniture Commercial.”  What the hell, pray tell, do I mean by that?  You’ve seen them, the commercials or glossy magazine ads for patio furniture or decks or grills, there’s never one lonely guy lady or some godawful homely people on the deck or patio, sitting in broken-down cheap webbed-fabric furniture, scratching and burping and maybe stirring from their cheap beer occasionally to turn the hot dogs.  No, there’s always beautiful or at least generically pleasant-looking families, with an insanely happy mother and children playing with the dog while perfectly groomed Dad looks on, too busy tending the juicy steaks to join in, but grinning contentedly as he looks admiringly upon his family.  Or there’s a bunch of couples, at least 4 or 5, more white than any other race, but with some token ethnic friends thrown in.  I can see a failed Saturday Night Live skit (so, then, any SNL skit after Phil Hartman died, or maybe after Will Farrell or Molly Shannon moved on; I know I haven’t watched it in 15 years) where they spoof one of these ads:

Husband in first couple: “Hi, we’re the host couple at this wonderful patio party, showing off our new patio furniture in our lovely 2.4-child house in the ‘burbs to our friends and neighbors.  We’re white but not all our friends are!”

Wife of second couple:  “Well, WE are, last we checked!”  (Pleasant laughter all around)

Wife of third couple:  “We’re partly!”  (Much more pleasant laughter)

Husband of fourth couple:  “We’re both ethnic!”

Wife of fourth couple:  “But not in the same way!”  (Lots and lots more of pleasant laughter)

Wife of fifth couple:  “We kinda SEEM ethnic, but we were both adopted so we’re not really sure.”  (Laughter and the clinking of glasses filled with some sort of expensive wine)

Husband of fifth couple:  “We all have beautiful houses.”

Third wife: “Lovely decks.”

Second husband:  “Or patios.”

First wife:   “And our lives are as perfect as our teeth.”

Third husband:  “But not quite as perfect as this new patio furniture.” (Lots more pleasant laughter, even a couple “spit takes”)

Life is, fucking, NOT like that.  People have tragedies that they always carry with them, even to parties. Their parties are more dysfunctional, not endlessly happy “winner fests”.  Put some scary looking folks in these ads, with maybe some risque tattoos, a “Free Mustache Rides” cap on some guy whose gut is spilling out of his t-shirt, a fake blonde in too-short shorts bending completely over to tie her shoes in front of the host and in front of her own husband, a couple black eyes that we’re not sure where they came from, somebody passed out in the corner of the deck with their drool mixing with their spilled drink.  That’s the kind of patio furniture ad I want to see.

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There, I wrote it.  It’s not much, it’s not all that frickin’ funny, but Happy Halloween anyway.  I’m sure there’s some winners among the other entries.

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14 Responses to Funny Blog Friday: Where Does He Get Those Stupid Taglines

  1. aakifahm says:

    Hey I wanna do this too lol :/

  2. H.E. ELLIS says:

    Are you kidding? This is hilarious! We joke in our family that we are so low rent, we bring the broken down patio furniture into the living room and prop our 60″ plasma screen up on milk crates. Now that’s livin’.

  3. awesome… although I cannot stand behind a disrespect of patio furniture… it separates us from the animals…
    also, and I hate to be a pest, but your list of links for the funny Friday thing is from before I was added as a late entry… any way you could paste me into the list?
    http://pouringmyartout.com/
    thanks, and sorry for the trouble.

    • No problemo. Got ‘er done. And it looks like I did the same thing you did, laboriously went to each blog and cut and pasted. Because, before that, when I went to Victoria’s blog and copied the whole area with all the entrants’ blogs and pasted them into mine, then hovered over any of them with my cursor, it didn’t look like the links were there. So today, after the fact, I tried it in a test blogpost, and, if you go to preview, the links really ARE there. So yeah, just copy the whole shit and shebang in one fell swoop, I guess. Sounds like you and I are roughly equals when it comes to computer use. There’s a “Blog tech for Luddites” out there in the web somewhere.

  4. My vote is that you write a one word book and then post it to Amazon and tell people you wrote a book. Then when they open it, it’ll be like…gotcha or something cool and existential like that.

  5. Anna says:

    I think that ‘Life is Not a Patio Furniture Commercial’ sums everything up rather grandly. If anything, life is more like a cup of coffee on an empty stomach: always guaranteed to make you shit yourself.

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