Yes, Yes I Will


That is my 3-word New Year’s resolution for 2014.  I haven’t been back to Trifecta for awhile; they seem kind of goody-two-shoes sometimes for me.  Or maybe I’m too trashy for the mainstream.  I don’t mean to sell them short; they’re not all mainstream by any means, and there’s some really nice writing there at times, just like in much of blogland.  They did some erotic thing a while back which was quite racy.  I was too lazy to enter it, but will have to go back and read some of it.  Anyway, they wanted a 3-word New Year’s Resolution, so that’s my “short answer”: “Drink, Screw, Write”, to the tune of, I guess you could say, the book “Eat, Pray, Love” (I can’t imagine reading a book with that title).

“The short answer” is a term that a pretentious puke of a physics teacher used to use all the time.  My God, I hated that guy; I was taking some college math and science classes many years after getting the English degree that I have done so much with.  The place I used to work at considered their employees mostly useless if they didn’t go to school or back to school, and they paid tuition if grades were good, so I played along for a while, waded all the way through calculus (I really don’t give one flying rat’s ass about the area under a curve–get over it, math nerds), a couple chem classes, then started physics just as my ex-wife was leaving me, then tried again after she left me (same icky teacher).  Sure, I had other things on my mind, but I found that I couldn’t possibly care less about the vertical or sideways forces on a swag lamp that’s hanging in the corner of a room; all I care is that it’s secure enough to not fall on my head.  It’s great to challenge your students, but NOT, absolutely not, DURING a test, unless you’re a pretentious puke like that teacher was. You can put tough problems in an exam, but it’s not the time to introduce new material, unless you’re a pretentious puke like he was.  Pretentious puke.

But I kind of like his idea of “a short answer” to start people off, rather than beating around the bush, because, for instance, that’s what’s required for this Trifecta entry.  One can then expand and explain the answer, but it’s not fair to give the “long answer” first, which for me in this instance would be to list all my reject ideas, then lead up to the “winner”, according to me.  Herewith my long answer, my “honorable mentions” (that’s “honourable mentions” for my friends in the British Empire, ha ha):

1.  Abduct More Strangers (I’m kidding of course; even if I were evil, I’m too damn lazy).

2.  Insult The Disadvantaged (maybe a little bit evil)

3.  Rain on Parades

4.  Time Sex Encounters

5.  Stop Wasting Time (lame, I know)

6.  Be A Man (lamer yet)

7.  Find A Girlfriend (just go to the girlfriend store, I guess)

8.  Farm Animals, Maybe?

9.  Write A Book (this may be as close as I get to an actual resolution)

10.  Unlimited Sex Partners (a man can dream)

11.  Marry A Chef (well, I’m tired of my bland cooking; I’d wash all the dishes if she’d cook sometimes)

12.  Walk Every Day (maybe from one end of the trailer to the other and back; it’s 15 degrees below zero F here tonight on this glorious New Year’s Eve)

13.  Amaze My Friends

14.  Frustrate My Enemies

15.  Attend Church Regularly (just havin’ a little fun here)

16.  Play That Guitar

17.  Get Rewarding Job

18.  Stop Making Promises

I like the one I ended up with, though.  I know drinking is not the answer; it’s a real problem for some folks and I take my turn with it once in a while.  I drink coffee compulsively and I drink beer (or wine) the same way, when I drink it.  Luckily I don’t drink alcohol nearly every day, so I’m only a part-time alcoholic.  Seriously, though, a small amount of booze can loosen the lips and the typing fingers somewhat, if you don’t let it control your world, that is, don’t you think, those who drink?  See, some poetic prose there already, after only one glass of my best boxed wine.  And, of course, the old adage of “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker”, would obviously help somewhat in the “screwing” department (providing the ladies are in stock at the girlfriend store).

Then, when the drinking and screwing are done, write a book about it.  There. Done.

Happy Mid-Winter-Freeze-Yer-Ass-Off Eve to all in the Northern part of North America tonight.  I resolve to put another blanket on, maybe leave the heat up a tad tonight.  See you in 2014, I trust.

(All videos of course blocked by “Alphabet Soup.”)

This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Yes, Yes I Will

  1. H.E. ELLIS says:

    This post was the best thing I read all night and is EXACTLY what I needed. Thank you, TTD.

  2. Jan Wilberg says:

    Always wondered what went on out by the trailers….now I know. Like The Short Answer – that’s got a lot of potential.

  3. annbennett says:

    You got a lot of thinking done based on a three word reply. Good to read you again.

  4. Ha! I’m laughing at much at your three words as I am about your idea of us as goody two shoeseseseses. (That’s grammatically correct, btw.) Happy New Year. Thanks for linking up.

    • Yeah, that was patently unfair of me to call the “Trifecta crowd” goody-two-shoes. “Often less cynical” than me would be more true, I suppose. That’s not always so either, though. Happy New Year to you also.

  5. Love your resolution. I will switch the word order and replay it.
    The long answer, part I: I’m glad you got an English degree.
    The long answer, part II: In order to comply with the middle resolution, please pick me up a boyfriend at the girlfriend store, as long as you’re there. Thanks.
    Happy New Year, TTD!

    • I had thought for sure that when they upgraded from a regular Walmart to a “Super Walmart” in my town that they would have a girlfriend department, but alas it was not to be. And thanks for the nice words by the way.

  6. Pingback: Trifecta’s Three Word New Year’s Resolution Collection | e.g.

  7. chamblee54 says:

    I am copying these three word wonders. The idea is to write a graphic poem. By the time I got to you, I was totally over the hallmark cards. This might make the cut.

  8. Hilarious…enjoy 2014 with the first 3 words and possibly some of your others too!

  9. I feel like drinking some bourbon right about now! Nice post. Good luck making those resolutions of yours come true. All the best in 2014, TTD! 🙂

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