DRINK, SCREW, WRITE
That is my 3-word New Year’s resolution for 2014. I haven’t been back to Trifecta for awhile; they seem kind of goody-two-shoes sometimes for me. Or maybe I’m too trashy for the mainstream. I don’t mean to sell them short; they’re not all mainstream by any means, and there’s some really nice writing there at times, just like in much of blogland. They did some erotic thing a while back which was quite racy. I was too lazy to enter it, but will have to go back and read some of it. Anyway, they wanted a 3-word New Year’s Resolution, so that’s my “short answer”: “Drink, Screw, Write”, to the tune of, I guess you could say, the book “Eat, Pray, Love” (I can’t imagine reading a book with that title).
“The short answer” is a term that a pretentious puke of a physics teacher used to use all the time. My God, I hated that guy; I was taking some college math and science classes many years after getting the English degree that I have done so much with. The place I used to work at considered their employees mostly useless if they didn’t go to school or back to school, and they paid tuition if grades were good, so I played along for a while, waded all the way through calculus (I really don’t give one flying rat’s ass about the area under a curve–get over it, math nerds), a couple chem classes, then started physics just as my ex-wife was leaving me, then tried again after she left me (same icky teacher). Sure, I had other things on my mind, but I found that I couldn’t possibly care less about the vertical or sideways forces on a swag lamp that’s hanging in the corner of a room; all I care is that it’s secure enough to not fall on my head. It’s great to challenge your students, but NOT, absolutely not, DURING a test, unless you’re a pretentious puke like that teacher was. You can put tough problems in an exam, but it’s not the time to introduce new material, unless you’re a pretentious puke like he was. Pretentious puke.
But I kind of like his idea of “a short answer” to start people off, rather than beating around the bush, because, for instance, that’s what’s required for this Trifecta entry. One can then expand and explain the answer, but it’s not fair to give the “long answer” first, which for me in this instance would be to list all my reject ideas, then lead up to the “winner”, according to me. Herewith my long answer, my “honorable mentions” (that’s “honourable mentions” for my friends in the British Empire, ha ha):
1. Abduct More Strangers (I’m kidding of course; even if I were evil, I’m too damn lazy).
2. Insult The Disadvantaged (maybe a little bit evil)
3. Rain on Parades
4. Time Sex Encounters
5. Stop Wasting Time (lame, I know)
6. Be A Man (lamer yet)
7. Find A Girlfriend (just go to the girlfriend store, I guess)
8. Farm Animals, Maybe?
9. Write A Book (this may be as close as I get to an actual resolution)
10. Unlimited Sex Partners (a man can dream)
11. Marry A Chef (well, I’m tired of my bland cooking; I’d wash all the dishes if she’d cook sometimes)
12. Walk Every Day (maybe from one end of the trailer to the other and back; it’s 15 degrees below zero F here tonight on this glorious New Year’s Eve)
13. Amaze My Friends
14. Frustrate My Enemies
15. Attend Church Regularly (just havin’ a little fun here)
16. Play That Guitar
17. Get Rewarding Job
18. Stop Making Promises
I like the one I ended up with, though. I know drinking is not the answer; it’s a real problem for some folks and I take my turn with it once in a while. I drink coffee compulsively and I drink beer (or wine) the same way, when I drink it. Luckily I don’t drink alcohol nearly every day, so I’m only a part-time alcoholic. Seriously, though, a small amount of booze can loosen the lips and the typing fingers somewhat, if you don’t let it control your world, that is, don’t you think, those who drink? See, some poetic prose there already, after only one glass of my best boxed wine. And, of course, the old adage of “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker”, would obviously help somewhat in the “screwing” department (providing the ladies are in stock at the girlfriend store).
Then, when the drinking and screwing are done, write a book about it. There. Done.
Happy Mid-Winter-Freeze-Yer-Ass-Off Eve to all in the Northern part of North America tonight. I resolve to put another blanket on, maybe leave the heat up a tad tonight. See you in 2014, I trust.
(All videos of course blocked by “Alphabet Soup.”)