Kristerella

(This re-blogging is a bit clunky for me; this intro. should come before the link to H.E.’s blog, but I’ll just let it ride where it is)

One of my many talented “blogging buddies” is a 4-foot-something New England dynamo named H. E. Ellis of heellisgoa.com.  Among her approximately 483 current projects is a for-charity book due out next year, a compilation of 20 or so retellings, by guest bloggers, of classic fairy tales.  Anatomically hilarious though it may be, I don’t like to blow my own horn, but I guess we’re supposed to do that.  Besides, except for this story, as they say, lately “I’ve got nothin'”.  The story practically wrote itself, since the young woman who masquerades as a long-suffering goody-two-shoes was actually a propagator of disease-spreading vermin, a receiver of stolen goods, and a girl of low morals who strayed out into the darkness with the first rich, handsome, powerful stranger she met, way past what would be curfew time for any girl who didn’t have the loose set of morals she went by.  Any resemblance to any celebrities who purportedly have a propensity for bad acting, impairment, or director-screwing is purely incidental and is the result of the reader’s shamelessly overactive imagination.  (Oh, and, if you will and if you wish, stop by the page at the top of H.E.’s blog where the other effed-up fairy tales are coming in at, or read them as she posts them on her main page.)

From heellisgoa.com, a sweet little story for you.

H.E. ELLIS

Somebody pinch me because I must be dreaming. It seems our very first F*CKED UP FAIRY TALE has come in! Thanks to my ever trashy but always wise blogmate Kevin Jorenby of  TRAILERTRASHDELUXE fame, we are treated to a fairy tale every bit as f*cked up as promised. Ladies and gentlemen, please to enjoy…KRISTERELLA!

***

by Kevin Jorenby

Kristerella awoke and stretched to the pleasant sounds of birds singing a happy tune.  Her head was thick from last night’s debauchery, but still she felt okay all in all.  She laid her head back down and soon was dreaming about her “main squeeze”, R-Patsy; he was just about to enter her when: “Cock-a-doodle-doo!!” went the damn rooster.

“Ohhh, that cock”, she lamented, “always waking me up when I get to the good part.”  Then she remembered a little of last night’s “after-party” with R-Patsy.  “Ohhhh, that cock”, she purred this time. …

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4 Responses to Kristerella

  1. H.E. ELLIS says:

    This was as amazing as your story! You are going to have to write the forward to the book! Did you know that I completely forgot to include a story for myself? Such a bonehead. I added THE THREE BILLY GOATS GRUFF just so I’d have something to write. I am also thinking of drawing old timey pencil sketches of pictures to match the stories. I think I’ll need to go to confession afterwards.

    • Pencil sketches, yes! Aren’t you afraid they might just keep you at confession sometime? I know I’d be afraid, if I ever went (‘course I’m not Catholic, so I’m okay, I guess), that the priest would pull out his cell phone, text “get a load of this” to a bunch of other priests, and you’d hear a bunch of chairs scraping up as they’d all gather round and hear about all that crazy shit we don’t want to tell anyone (except then we write our craziest-ass thoughts down all the time, so I guess that’s a confession right there).

  2. Ever trashy, alway wise for sure. Hearty congrats to you, Kevin. Very, very well done.

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