A Month’s Worth of Daily Non-Affirmations

Week 1:

1.  I suck.

2.  I suck ass.

3.  I suck raw ass.

4.  I suck raw gay ass.

5.  I suck raw gay ass at life.

6.  I suck raw gay “old-man” ass at life.

7.  I suck raw gay “old-man” ass at life and talk about it.

Week 2:

8.  I can’t write.

9.  I can’t write a shopping list.

10.  I can’t write a shopping list as well as a monkey.

11.  I can’t write a shopping list as well as a drunken monkey.

12.  I can’t write a shopping list as well as a drunken special-needs monkey.

13.  I can’t write a shopping list as well as a drunken special-needs monkey with a broken heart.

14.  I can’t write a shopping list as well as a drunken special-needs monkey with a broken heart and an empty Prozac bottle.

Week 3:

15.  I can’t get laid.

16.  I can’t get laid in a whorehouse.

17.  I can’t get laid in a whorehouse if I’ve just won the lottery.

18.  I can’t get laid in a whorehouse if I’ve just won the lottery and all the ladies are blind drunk.

19.  I can’t get laid in a whorehouse if I’ve just won the lottery and all the ladies are blind drunk and blind for real.

20.  I can’t get laid in a whorehouse if I’ve just won the lottery and all the ladies are blind drunk and blind for real and they’re really bored that day.

21.  I can’t get laid in a whorehouse if I’ve just won the lottery and all the ladies are blind drunk and blind for real and they’re really bored that day, and they need money for an operation for their kid.

Week 4:

22.  I’ll never get “Freshly pressed”.

23.  I’ll never get “Freshly pressed” even if I write a “Top 10” list.

24.  I’ll never get “Freshly pressed” even if I write a “Top 10” list of all the reasons that WordPress gives me wood.

25.  I’ll never get “Freshly pressed” even if I write a “Top 10” list of all the reasons that WordPress gives me wood and include pictures (not of the wood, sicko).

26.  I’ll never get “Freshly pressed” even if I write a “Top 10” list of all the reasons that WordPress gives me wood and include pictures (not of the wood, sicko) of highway overpasses or something equally exciting.

27.  I’ll never get “Freshly pressed” even if I write a “Top 10” list of all the reasons that WordPress gives me wood and include pictures (not of the wood, sicko) of highway overpasses or something equally exciting, AND a “Top 10” list of my favorite Megan Fox tattoos.

28.  I’ll never get “Freshly pressed” even if I write a “Top 10” list of all the reasons that WordPress gives me wood and include pictures (not of the wood, sicko) of highway overpasses or something equally exciting, AND a “Top 10” list of my favorite Megan Fox tattoos, with pictures I personally took of all her tattoos.

Bonus days:

29.  I’ll retire a broken-down, broke drunk.

30.  I’ll retire a broken-down, broke drunk, and live in a box under a highway overpass.

31.  I’ll retire a broken-down, broke drunk, and live in a box under a highway overpass, and look up at the overpass one day, and tell myself, “If I could beg enough money to buy a camera I could take pictures of that overpass and get ‘Freshpressed'”.

—————————-

(Today’s soundtrack courtesy of Allen Toussaint, Lowell George, and Linda Slutstadt):

“You think the sun rises, and sets for you,

But the same sun rises, sets, and shines,

On the poor folks too,

I don’t mind you turnin’ round,

I myself would even like a little higher ground…”

“I been warped by the rain, driven by the snow,

Drunk and dirty, don’t you know,

But I’m still,

Willin’….”

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to A Month’s Worth of Daily Non-Affirmations

  1. Folly & the Wrong Men says:

    if you can’t get laid by a whore under those conditions you may want to get checked out by a doctor. sounds like a medical condition.

  2. Bird says:

    Actually, I’m less impressed with Freshly Pressed now that I’ve read their stuff on a consistent basis. …Seriously, I think they have relatives working for WP or something. I read much better blogs on a daily basis than anything I’ve seen there..Buck up!!!

    • Yeah, really, except for Posky at youmonstersarepeople, who I’d already read, and Anna at insanityaquarium, who I’d already read, and maybe a half dozen others, they pretty much all suck.

  3. Yeah I agree about Freshly Pressed – most of the stuff on there is deadly boring! Ha, so there, FP!! Love the non-affirmations, so uplifting!

    • I’ve yapped about FP before because they piss me off with their lameness, but wouldn’t we all secretly like the publicity? Have always wanted to do daily non-affirmations, ever since the 90s, when Al Franken of Saturday Night Live would do his Stewart Smalley Daily affirmations: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggoneit, people like me.” When he had Michael Jordan on, trying to boost up that guy’s massive ego, was pretty great.

      • Yeah sure we would – same way I put stuff on Twitter but NEVER read it because Twitter (and facebook) bore me stupid. Ok, I”ll look up Al Franken. I take my education seriously.

        • I got on Facebook to see if an old “never-was” of mine was on there–yeah it’s called “Facebook-stalking”. But it’s gotten so dumb that I’ve seriously been thinking about just occasionally posting something like “Random comment about a sports team or song that doesn’t matter to anyone else,” and nothing else.

  4. Ok I looked it up. That guy is sweet! And yeah, MJ needs some anti-affirmations.

    • Al Franken is actually a senator from Minnesota now. He was a writer and “bit-performer” on SNL from the beginning. (For our younger friends, “Saturday Night Live” is a show that’s been on NBC in the U. S. since 1975, and it used to be kinda funny. I haven’t watched it since, hell, the 90s probably.)

  5. “Willin'”, sung by Ronstadt, is still one of my favorite tunes. After all is said and done, I’m amazed I’m still willin’.

    • Perhaps you’ve had at least one of the “3 W’s”: weed, whites, and wine? I won’t claim to vouch for the others, but a little wine (or whisky or beer), when not done to excess, has helped me with the willingness sometimes. If I ever get a more annoying ringtone than the one Tracphone gave me, it’ll be her version of “Willin'”.

  6. Sheena says:

    Apparently, if you write about cats you get freshly pressed. People fucking love stupid cats! Oh and a lot of hate mail…I got lots of that for not liking cats that poop on my things! 🙂 Sooooo post cat pictures, you’ll be front page before you know it.

    • Bird says:

      ROTFLMAO!! I like cats…but I don’t want them taking a crap on my stuff….

      • I don’t believe in animal cruelty, but about 30 years ago a roommate had a cat, which pooped on my sheets, which, I’m ashamed to say resulted in the cat flying out the front door. I was young and rash, sorry. I’m assuming it landed on its feet.

    • Maybe I’ll try that, Sheena. I’ve shamelessly tried writing really generic posts, hoping to get their attention, but alas, it’s not to be. Oh, well, “Freshpresseddom” isn’t necessarily a ticket to fame and wealth, I don’t think. But it’d still be fun. Thanks for stopping by!

  7. Hysterical laughter edging into tears. That’s what I love about your writing.

    I concur with all the above who have become disillusioned with the fp thing. I used to pursue it, but now I think it’s basically a rubber stamp announcing your bland mediocrity.

    One of these days you’re going to get laid and then what will you write about? I am waiting with baited breath to find out.

  8. Pingback: More Daily Affirmations–A Wasted Life | Trailertrashdeluxe's Blog

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s