You know, if para- and quadra-plegics dream about flying, rather than just walking or running, wouldn’t you think a guy like me, who couldn’t get lucky in a whorehouse if he’d just won the lottery, would dream about being surrounded by beautiful naked women? Even though I’m not really a “breast man”, shouldn’t it be nonstop dreams about things like (as my buddy’s pop-in-law once said) “walking barefoot through a field of tits?”
So, of these totally fake, or real-and-recurring, or one-time, dreams, what do you suppose I dreamed a couple nights ago?:
1. A recurring dream where I step off the porch of our old farmhouse from when I grew up, and, kind of, levitate across the yard. You know, where mere mortals in my dreamworld have to walk or run or take a bunch of steps, but I just sort of float around for great distances between steps, because I’m so much cooler and more efficient than anyone else. Or I’m a ghost.
2. Me preparing to have, or actually having, missionary sex with a beautiful naked woman.
3. Back on the farm again, doing chores or helping Mom and Dad with stuff around the house.
4. Being on “death row” in some concentration camp-type setting.
5. Just kinda “showing up” at the factory where I worked for 27 years and helping them crate and ship some of the signs they make, then “getting caught” at the end of the day, them shaking their heads at me, paying me of course, but telling me I can’t be doing that. (I don’t miss the place during daylight, I can tell you that.)
6. A different beautiful woman giving me “lip service.”
7. Just bitching, I mean YELLING, at some unidentified person who has somehow wronged me, to the point where I’m sure I must be grinding my teeth with the rage, finally waking up from the frustration of not being able to actually yell at this person.
8. Some vague, unidentifiable, but very foreboding dream of being pursued by demon-type people or creatures, just your classic garden-variety nightmare.
9. Dreaming I’m being electrocuted, waking up because the shaking from the electricity going through me is almost throwing me off the bed (haven’t otherwise dreamed of anything that sounds like I must be possessed, in case you’re wondering).
10. Rounding a curve on a gravel road, under a highway bridge at the edge of a river, slipping on loose gravel and driving into the water.
11. Driving the same type of road which goes under a highway bridge, this time ending up at Aretha Franklin’s little house at the end of the gravel road, and me assuming I had sex with her. (No visuals of her in this dream; I just assumed we did it).
12. Dreaming that I decided to fart around and do 8 million things instead of just getting ready for work, or being unable to hit the shower because someone else was in there, then actually waking up late for work of course.
13. Dreaming that there was no place to piss, and of course waking up needing to go (so far, thank goodness, there has been a place to go when I’m awake).
14. Dreaming that I haven’t gone to class all semester and I’m just plain screwed (still have this one about once a year).
15. Dreaming, at the tail end of some otherwise unremembered dream, that I was chewing on a paper towel that had poop at the other end of it. Who the fuck dreams that? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I was actually chewing on the poop, rather it was a “combo” thing, where I had a mouthful of dry recycled paper product that smelled really awful, because the other end of it, without touching my lips or hopefully any other part of me, had poop wrapped up in it. I just have to believe that it’s this goddamn cold/sinus infection/allergy thing that’s been going on for 3 and a half weeks now, that my mouth was dry, and I was smelling the little bit of infection in my sinuses. Who the hell knows?
I’m going to, at the very least, start reading some smut before bed, so that my dreams improve. Maybe have a spicy bedtime snack or something.
“You dream in colors,
My life goes in black and blue…”