Top Ten Things I Want My Horoscope To Tell Me

My (Sagittarius) horoscope today reads:

You have reason to be ever so cautiously optimistic. Expecting to have an easy road will make the road harder. Conversely, preparing for hardship somehow makes you rather magically immune to it.

Which, I guess, tells me that they get me, because that’s me–I worry about too much, and expect stuff to suck, and, though there is some suckiness, it usually doesn’t suck all that bad.  But I consider that (expecting the worst) to be a flaw, not an asset, because it diminishes the fun of good things happening, I think.  And what did that have to do with love, sex, money, career, glory, gambling, or bragging rights?  Basically, nothing.  I don’t like it when my horoscope tells me generic stuff like that.  Or, heaven forbid, when it tells me to watch my finances or mind my spending or whatnot.  You know what?  My finances are none of the astrologers’ business.

Sure, it’s dumber than dirt to read your horoscope.  When they gave away a car at the place I work a few years ago, the Sag. horoscope read that it would be your lucky day.  But several of us were Sags, and we couldn’t all win.  To their credit, they happened to “hit the dartboard” correctly, and a Sagittarius lady did win the dumb thing.  But it’s sheer poppycock.  But I read it because I’m as addicted to it as those people in that Twilight Zone episode where they fearfully kept asking questions about their fate to some machine in a diner that was like an early version of the “Magic 8-ball” for fun, and because the one horoscope gives me a 1 to 5 star rating of how the day is going to be, and if it ever gave me a 1-star day, I’d use it as an excuse to call in sick.

With all that in mind, here’s what I want to read in my horoscope, in any order and frequency, but on a repeating basis:

1.  You (all you Sagittarians), if not already committed, will find your true love at the grocery store today.

2.  The people that run the lottery will finally get off their lazy dumb asses and pick your numbers this time.

3.  Your favorite sports team will win the championship this upcoming (or current) season.

4.  Your child will be their fun and sweet self and not be their difficult self, for the next solid year.

5.  Your significant other, if you already have one, or the one you are sure to meet in the grocery store today, will laugh at all your jokes, believe all your stories, and say nice things about your family for the next year.

6.  That song (that you hate so much it makes you want to kill people–not really but almost) will mysteriously disappear from the music feed that your workplace subscribes to.

7.  The price of gas will drop a dollar and a half a gallon and stay locked at that price for the next ten years.

8.  There will be no really cold, really windy, or rainy weather on summer holiday days, from now to the end of time.

9.  You will get a “special raise” in pay today of 20% above your current wage/salary, entirely separate from your yearly evaluation/pay raise.

10.  Everyone you meet today will react to you as if you are the smartest, wittiest, sexiest, coolest, hottest, most wonderful person they’ve ever met.

Because this blogpost is a shameless attempt at getting WordPress to consider me for “Freshpressed” status kinda generic, I thought the “soundtrack” to it should be generic also, so herewith some songs by some Smiths, or variants:

From Patty Smith, a big booming Bruce Springsteen song:

Last but not least, Mrs. John McEnroe (I guess) herself–Patty Smyth–there’s several songs of hers that I like, but this was an uncluttered YouTube version of one:

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8 Responses to Top Ten Things I Want My Horoscope To Tell Me

  1. Hehe then you will like thedailymisfortune.com

  2. Maybe they could do a generic horoscope (seeing as we’re talking generic here) for everyone predicting these things – can’t think of a single person who wouldn’t like them all to happen! We used to have a crystal ball that you shook and a message would float up to the surface telling you the answer to any question you cared to ask – Yes, No, That’s Disgusting, Maybe Tomorrow, that kind of thing. It was spookily accurate!

  3. I wish I believed in horoscopes because it seems like such a hopeful, optimistic thing to do. The magic 8 ball, right? Tarot cards, ouiji boards, and I Ching are the same, with a little bit more power to control the interpretation left to you.

    At the same time, every time I read about what a Libra is like (or a horse in the Chinese astrology,) it sounds about right. So who knows?

    Whatever keeps you going, I say. My husband buys a lottery ticket every week. I tease him a bit but I can’t wait for him to win.

    Love Patti. That “Baby It’s You” singer is rocking.

    • Sagittarius people are supposed to be entertaining, optimistic, outgoing–the life of the party. I can briefly be, when I’m in the right mood and full of caffeine or beer, or both. But too often it’s dead opposite of what I am–someone who doesn’t like to rub shoulders with people like puppies in a litter, who would rather just spend time with his kid, maybe a wife and a dog someday. I buy a lottery ticket about every other month, but I like to dream too.
      At one of the local playgrounds they have a sort of “Magic 8-ball” thing built into a little wall thing, and I asked it a while back if I’d get any p***y soon (quietly, and when my daughter wasn’t looking), and it said “Yes.” It lied.

  4. You crack me up. Can just see you looking over your shoulder at the kiddie park. The word “soon” was too vague. Don’t you know anything about these things? Didn’t you see any of this genie in a bottle movies? You have to be specific. Next time, ask for details.

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