Just Venting

Honestly, I will get back to doing something that’s entertaining in some way, some day.  People have shit going on in their daily lives that’s a lot worse than anything I’ve ever got going on, as far as I know.  Hell, if I waste away into old age rather than dying suddenly, I will have shit going on in my daily life that’s a lot worse than anything I’ve got going on now.  But I’m so far beyond unimpressed right now with life and with myself and with pretty much everything, I just am not in the mood to do anything worthwhile.

Don’t worry, it’s not homicidal or even suicidal.  I’ve been here before; I know the territory.  I don’t want to win the lottery, I just want to be happier with daily life.  I want to count my fucking blessings without feeling like I am mocking a vengeful fucking God, who hates when anyone becomes satisfied in any way.  I want to say “people have worse shit going on than I do” without having to add in “as far as I know”, because I’m superstitious, because if I ever count my blessings they get taken away.

I want to tell people “it only cost me xxx” without being wrong.  I want to tell people “she’s really cool and might be around for awhile” without being wrong.  I want to tell people “I’ve got enough money to do xxxx (fun thing)” without being wrong.  I’m tired of being wrong.  I’m fucking sick to fucking death of being fucking wrong.

I don’t expect comments or questions; I expect that you’ll see the title and realize that this was cheaper and easier than therapy for me.  I’ve thought of seeing a therapist before.  I’ve thought of what a person would say to one.  “I’m unhappy with life because of a, b, c, and d.  Would you be happy with life if a, b, c, and d were going on?  I don’t shudder in fear at the thought of being in the open or being in social situations, or feel like I’m being persecuted or pursued by aliens, or feel like cutting myself or want to go driving into a gravel pit; I’m just unhappy that most of life is less than optimal.  Can I go now?”

This too shall pass.  It’s not like we live in Nazi Germany after all.  It’s not like we’re dodging drug gang violence in Mexico.  It’s not like we live somewhere in sub-Saharan Africa where we have to wander through the wilderness looking for firewood and for scraps of food to feed our starving children, at risk of being killed or raped doing so.  Life is just daily dreary drudgery, with a few rays of sunshine wafting in here and there.  Big whoop.

If I had the sense that God gave a diseased rat, I’d print this out and ceremoniously burn it or something and feel all touchy-feely better about symbolically destroying my problems or something, but I don’t have that sense.

I’ll be back; in the meantime I’m reading you.

(Update:  I purposely didn’t tag this, wordpress, though I appreciate the suggestions of “gravel pit”, “enough money”, “fun thing”, or especially, and I can’t thank you enough for this suggestion: “fucking god”.)

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16 Responses to Just Venting

  1. I’m here and wishing you whatever you need to feel healthier.

    When I could afford one of those therapists that charges on a sliding scale (that just didn’t slide to nothing) she helped me use the right words — figure out what my psyche wanted to hide so I could talk about what was really bothering me, work it out and then work on letting it go. It was also good to talk to someone that I could talk about my troubles with who wouldn’t hear it as being whiny. There’s only so much of that that our friends will listen to. But I believe it all still needs to be figured out and said out loud.

    Take care of yourself in this meantime. Okay?

    • Thank you for the kind words. Unexpected bills sometimes set me off, as well as the price of gas, the price of groceries, etc, though of course it’s not always financial. I may someday speak to a therapist just for the heck of it.
      Again, thanks, I will take care–you too.

  2. Anne Schilde says:

    Sometimes I vent. Not usually with such interesting tag suggestions.

  3. Hey, friend,
    This seems weird in this particular context, I guess, but good job. I mean, as writing goes, you articulate a particular state of mind perfectly. And I recognize it, but I don’t think I could ever have said it as well as you just did. This paragraph especially:
    “I want to tell people “it only cost me xxx” without being wrong. I want to tell people “she’s really cool and might be around for awhile” without being wrong. I want to tell people “I’ve got enough money to do xxxx (fun thing)” without being wrong. I’m tired of being wrong. I’m fucking sick to fucking death of being fucking wrong.”
    You pack a a wallop! And on a side note, I think that last sentence would make a great confessional prayer or me as I begin Lent today.

    On another side note, I read this right after waking up, before my eyes were tracking, and I thought you said we don’t live in Nazi Mexico. Which, as a revisionist history or sci-fi premise has real possibilities.

    It’s too glib to say that I hope things get better. But of course, I DO.

    • Thank you for the interesting comment. I did feel bad about whining, but it’s good to know I did it effectively.
      I surely hope that you are not planning to use that particular sentence out loud in a church as a confessional prayer. 😉
      I am continually entertained, and, when in a good mood, sometimes entertain others, with what I hear from people’s mouths or see in print or hear on TV or wherever, because what I wrongly hear is quite often a lot more fun than what is actually said. I’ll have to google Nazi Mexico, because it wouldn’t surprise me if that has already been done.
      Thanks, I am better now, though never thrilled with life, except for the time spent playing with my daughter or thinking about her.

  4. Averil Dean says:

    Damn, I’d like to be able to vent like this. Beautiful and thoroughly pissed off.

    • Thanks, Averil, I’ll take that as a compliment. Too funny, too, because, as in the comments back and forth with Sharon, I could read your second sentence as saying that I am beautiful and thoroughly pissed off, and, though I wasn’t homely enough as a young man to make a freight train take a dirt road, I don’t think I’ve ever been called beautiful, ha ha. I thought the writing was more whiny than beautiful, but I do like some of it. I guess if you feel strongly about something, you write strongly about it.
      Thanks for reading.

  5. What to say without missing the point? Something cheery and blithe like “depression makes good writing” or “it will pass soon–the sun is coming” or “at least you have your daughter” or “I’ve been there, too” or “how about an antidepressant”? None of those is something I want to say and I don’t think advice from others helps– but like Re said, I’m glad you’re writing it.
    Even when you’re down and venting, I enjoy reading you.

    • Thanks, Hat Lady; I think you’re correct on all those things. I try not to ever say “at least”, because that goes back to the point of things getting taken way when I “brag” that I “at least” have them. So, to not appear unthankful, I say thanks for the good things I HAVE had, and hope to continue having, of course. Superstitious mumbo-jumbo, I know, like saying “Knock on Wood” every time you say this or that, but there have been times, especially with cars, when things have fallen apart IMMEDIATELY after I have said that “at least” the vehicles are doing okay lately. So, no, that’s a term I don’t usually use. But life is pretty damn good sometimes, even without the mansion and the fine, sweet lady at my side.

  6. charlywalker says:

    Someone needs a Happy Pill…..

    spread the humor:charlywalker.wordpress.com

  7. gregoryno6 says:

    For what it’s worth, you vent with style.

  8. gregoryno6 says:

    I’ve been suffering with a stomach bug for the last week. “If I had the sense that God gave a diseased rat” is one of the few things that’s made me laugh.

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