1. If you think you have a good idea for a blogpost, but you stare at the computer screen for 10 minutes before starting to type, it’s time to go to bed and try it again the next day.
2. There are no zombies, no walking dead, no nights full of living dead. Grow up. The actual fright in life is from the minds of living, breathing, smiling people.
3. I’m going to have to buy the “Lint Lizard”, because not only does it clean lint from your dryer, it also cleans expensive sculptures and intricate chandeliers. It’s embarrassing to have dust fall on the heads of bankers and captains of industry when I’m having a soiree in the “great room” here.
4. I need more sleep.
5. Love, helping others, careers, exchange of ideas, partying, cooking, eating, various hobbies–all these are things that drive us, but not as much as greed, I think. Not so much wanting to be wildly well off, so as not to ever work, and to turn up our noses at those who are poorer (though I relish the thought, of course), but more because we are in fear of being too poor to get by, to feed our families, to afford the skyrocketing cost of living. Who wouldn’t want to have enough cash parked in savings somewhere that they and their children would never have to worry about healthcare costs, ever? I don’t care if I ever move out of this trailer–it’s comfy enough, and my kid likes it fine, but it needs some women’s touches is all. But I fear turning 65 or 70 and not having enough cash for the ridiculous cost of medigap insurance or prescriptions. I want to be able to take my daughter out to eat without having to go without electricity in my home, when I’m older. I don’t want to have to work till I drop over dead when I’m 80, at work, just to pay bills.
6. The fact that I never have been in a fistfight in my life somehow makes me less of a man; had I been forced to physically stand up for myself in my youth, maybe I would have been bolder in life somehow and wouldn’t be sleeping alone in my 50s.
7. I think it’s 100% brain-dead to fight people unless they physically harm, or try to harm, you or someone you love, or some innocent. That being said, I really want to harm the people who try to sell me stuff in ads where people are happily having a wealthy great time around their spacious beautiful patio, where everyone is coupled-up, beautiful, and perfect. Life isn’t necessarily like that for most people.
8. I also want to physically harm Google when they question my searches, and I strongly believe that soon I will be typing in the following search entry: “Did you mean ‘I’m going to find out where Google lives and strangle him for doubting my search entry?'”
9. The most brain-dead people in America are methheads–snorting drain cleaner so that you can be thin, energetic, happier, and get more done while staying up for days is beyond idiotic. Legal, schmegal–I give a flying rat’s ass about that–but there’s a legal and much easier way of being full of false energy and optimistic about life and funner to be around: it’s called caffeine.
10. The best time to call in sick to work is when you and your beautiful wife are planning a barbecue in your beautiful magazine-cover-quality backyard patio or deck, where you all laugh delightedly at how wonderful and everlasting your beautiful lives are, all showing your blindingly white teeth, as you bask in the knowledge of how great it is to have money rolling out of your perfectly shaped butts.
11. The second-best time to call in sick to work is when you are legitimately just plain exhausted because you’re too dumb to go to bed early enough all week long, and you sleep 12 hours, and it’s Friday and it’s 7 degrees out (yes, Fahrenheit, for my Aussie/Brit/Canadian friends), and the wind is gusting to 30 miles an hour. If I didn’t have a Barbie movie to return to the store, I wouldn’t leave the house. We’ve had a mild winter, after at least 3 mean evil bastard ones in a row, but today isn’t one of the mild days, that’s for sure. The sun is shining brightly on the dormant grass and on the little piles of snow here and there. I tell people on days like these: “It’s like me outside–bright and beautiful, but a little cold.”
12. I heart my blogging friends–they bring laughter into my day, and some good stories sometimes. Free entertainment, since I’m addicted to having an Internet connection anyway.
13. I’m going to have a little to drink tonight, imagine I’m a young person who is on something stronger and has the world by the ass, and listen to some music that takes me away: