Sarcastic Self-Talk

I did a really, really nice thing at work the other day.  I’m kind of a jerk sometimes, and, like my daughter, I’d just as soon either be by myself or with a small circle of friends (a circle of just me and one friend at a time is probably the best circle).  And I don’t like it when people, especially nerd-pukes, are overly helpful.  Again, like my daughter, there are times when I want to “get it myself.”  So, when a co-worker (who has many work habits which I can’t stand, and who is so boring I can’t believe people don’t turn to stone listening to him go on and on and on) just before leaving work asked me “Do you want today’s paper? (handed to me by him from the other break table two feet away)”, I did a nice thing.  I said “No, thanks,” when what I wanted to say was “No thanks; I hope you die on the way home today.”  I don’t want to overwhelm people with the sweetness, but “Kevin” does mean “beloved one”, so I can’t help it sometimes.

I wanted to post and my act of forgetting to do something, for a while, on Sunday, brought to mind the title of this.  But the examples may be few, because:

–Heaven forbid I’d ever come up with enough new ideas to actually pull together a coherent story or essay.  That would require too much effort.  “God no, self, don’t sit down and brainstorm about new ideas, just sit and veg out in front of the computer and the TV instead; that’ll get you a book contract.”

–“You know, I bet the hash browns would heat up even faster if I turned the burner on.”

–“Wow, great job in forgetting the water-bottle full of tap water from the fridge.  It’ll do me a lot of good sitting on my kitchen table when I’m off at work.  And I really need to buy another water at work, because I only have 12 of them in the fridge already.  And it’s only about 38,000 steps from the back of the store where I work to the water fountains in front.  And I’ll never get thirsty if I actually do any work, or get thirsty when I wolf down some M & M’s and choke on chocolate spit.”

–Even better:  “Wow, good job, self, of taking the water bottle in the house at lunch time and leaving it there instead of just leaving it in the car.  Because I won’t need it this afternoon–oh no.”

–“Way to go, Casanova; you really wowed that girl at the bar about a month ago, the one sitting alone at the bar, within 20 years of your age, sitting there making eye contact with you as you ordered a beer.  Good choice in going over to play video lottery rather than saying hi to her.  It probably would have herniated something in you to open your mouth and say hello.  Good choice.  Because you wouldn’t want to give yourself a chance to find out that she wasn’t interested or that you didn’t like her–soooo much better to just ignore her.  Good job, Einstein.  That sure was fun going home alone that night in particular.”

–“Smart choice, Warren Buffett; so much better to spend 13 bucks on meal and tip just to eat an omelet at lunchtime on a work day.  Because you won’t need that money later for anything.  And it’ll fill you up so much better than a couple sandwiches or a can of soup.  Good money-management skills.”


Enough self-talk, some other folks need it too:

–“Gee, Jennifer Hudson, you’ve been losing weight on magazine covers for, what, 3 years now, or more?  You should be able to slip through the keyhole by now.”

–“Hey, meth retards, it’ll be so much better to become a freakish burn victim for the rest of your life than to choose not to make meth, on the cheap and quickly, by shaking it up in a large soda bottle.  Because it’s so safe and foolproof to have that right in front of you and it never, literally, blows up in your face or anything.”

–“Way to go political leaders, way to make some real difference in how screwed up…..” (oh hell, I don’t even want to open that can of worms).

–“Way to go (insert my favorite NFL team here), morons, way to have your tight end be your only good receiver, and the rest of your team can’t get open for a pass to save their lives.  Wonder why you’re watching from home in February?”

–“Good job of walking into that pole, cell-phone texter.”

–“Good choice, listening to achingly beautiful songs when you’re already blue.”:  (“Achingly” beautiful–I should write for People magazine–“Good job, self, of overhyping everything you like”)

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4 Responses to Sarcastic Self-Talk

  1. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    ‘I hope you die on the way home’ is pretty harsh!!! -but I do know what you’re saying. Work can be like that. I left a job mid last year AND AM SOO SOOOO SOOOO gland I did! Interesting read, thanks.

    • Well, my humor can be a little harsh at times, but sometimes I think we just need to go all the way out there just to keep everything in balance. Yeah, it’s no fun to be at a job you don’t like.
      Thanks for reading.

  2. groovyrick says:

    I hope that occasionally there is a “good job self…you wrote a very entertaining blog entry.” I understand completely where you’re coming from…we can all be pretty hard on ourselves at times. GEEZ, I’m sorry! I’m actually getting insightful! Way to go, self…that reply had no humor in it whatsoever!!!

    • I know where you’re coming from with the “wow, great blog post, self” thing–I used it the other day, as I moved (to the trash) a post of mine that was just plain stupid.
      Thanks for reading!

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