Late New Year’s Resolutions (Because I Do Everything Late)

Before I start: Along with millions of others, I read my horoscope for a laugh.  My “weekend love forecast” was “You like freedom and privacy.  You’ll be attracted to those who are likely to give you space.”  So….., I’m supposed to hit on some lady in a bar or grocery store, and say, “Um, er, you seem nice; howsabout we don’t go for dinner and a movie, because I really need my space tonight.”

My belated New Year’s Resolutions:  (I’m using “vow” instead of “resolve” because I can do simple math and 3 letters are quicker to type than 7)

–I vow to quit spending money as if I was Charlie Sheen going through his “bucket list”.

–I vow to either practice guitar at least 2-3 times a week, and actually learn the thing a little, or sell it.

–I vow to fill my blog with more fiction and fewer fat jokes.

–I vow to not swear out loud in the grocery store when the price of anything goes up by 25% or more since the last time I bought it.

–I vow to not worry so much about my health until and unless it gives me something to really worry about.

–I vow to straighten out the crooked cupboard doors in the kitchen of my mobile home, the ones that were apparently put on in the afternoon, after the guys in the factory had a lunch break consisting of Big Macs and bigger marijuana joints.

–I vow to begin whatever incredibly painful process is involved with getting my daughter to start doing some homework.  She doesn’t have much homework, but it would be easier to hop to New York City on one leg than to get her to do it without a struggle.

–I vow to put myself in places where I might run into some women I could date, even if it means the hopelessly nerdy singles dances or the hypocrisy-festival that is organized religion.  Gas is still too high, and people don’t hitchhike much any more, so highway abduction is OUT.

–I vow to not “say vows” with aforementioned fictional woman until I’ve known her for at least 5 years.

–I vow to put out higher-quality blogposts–a little less vulgarity and fraternity humor, and to not worry that my fictional stories don’t seem as good to me as the stories of Re, Anna G.I.T.H., Anna I. A., Anne S., H.E., Nicole, or anyone else whose fiction I like to read.  When I try hard and have an interesting subject, I’d put my slice-of-life commentary up against anyone’s, but my fiction is rare and needs work.

–I vow not to hate people for being too lazy, stupid, busy or self-important to use their turn signals, even if it means me missing a chance to turn left onto a busy street without another long wait.

–I vow to not hate people for using the term “24-7” to mean “every hour of every day”, even though “we’re there for you ’round the clock'” worked just fine for 2000 years or so.  “24-7” is a football score, and if it’s deep into the 3rd Quarter, and you’re the “7”, you might want to change quarterbacks.

–I vow to disengage the hook that’s mounted in my tail-bone from the loop that’s mounted in the chair in front of my computer, and read a book, work on the house, play guitar, sit on the back “mini-deck” drinking coffee, wine or beer, or do anything that’s more worthwhile than zombieing-out-on-web-surfing-just-because-I’m-bored-and-lazy.

–I vow to start writing the book about the psychotic killer who fancies himself as sort of a “Robin Hood of manners”, and who solves some old mystery, with some shocking ending that may or may not involve the extremely flawed protagonist dying in a freak accident.

–I vow to make some money, somehow, somewhere, by writing, even if it means whoring myself out somehow, or else give up that idea and just enjoy “readin’ and writin'” as the fun hobby it is, and enjoy the fact that I currently have a brain.

–I vow to actually do the process of transferring old DV-R mini-video-tapes, of my kid and whatnot, to DVDs, so that I’m only 2 “technologies” behind instead of 3 (and then put copies in a safe deposit box).

–I vow to not get too bent out of shape when I see people who live on disability checks, for so-called  physical disabilities, who shovel huge amounts of snow, do yard work or remodeling projects that you and I can barely do.

–I vow to not get too far up on my high horse when I hear people “wax poetic” about how great some rap “music” is, to instead just listen to something good, you know, like where someone sings, melodically, rather than chants about the size of their package or the size of their bank account.

–I vow not to hate the use of “bling”, “fail” (as a noun), “network” (as a verb), “flash mob”, “Lohan”, “Kardashian”, “Gaga”, “government leadership”, “man-cave”, “cougar”………

–I vow to occasionally get to work on time.

–I vow to always pull all the shades before I get drunk and “dance” around the house while singing along with my favorite tunes.

This entry was posted in Humor, Life, Writing and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Late New Year’s Resolutions (Because I Do Everything Late)

  1. You might be joking, but I like your idea for a novel. Do it!
    I just put all my CDs onto my computer and got rid of the discs. It was really scary but my house is much tidier now.
    My kids respond well to charts and rewards. Make a chart, and every time she completes _________ without too much complaining, give her a check. 10 checks and she gets _______. (Plus, you always have to help her.)
    Thank you for the nod, kind sir.

  2. I love Dexter. The first season was the best, but I’m still hooked. (But isn’t your idea a polite person doing wrong? Like an old punishing lady wielding a ruler for rapping knuckles, only badder? I think it’s good. Robin Hood.)

  3. The Hook says:

    Better late than never! Good luck!

  4. Woman says:

    You know the funniest thing??? I could poke holes in all of these!!! But the first point you’ve made I’ll poke a hole in is… you are actually a few days early with your resolutions!!! Today is just the start of the new year here in China… so no matter how you try to look at it.. you are actually early!!!

    Now the next one… I agree “bling” is such an uncouth term unless referring to nipple bling. Trust me. Nipples need shiny things. Who cares about earrings or rings of such… nipples. And “Nipple Shiny” does not work as well as “Nipple Bling”. Otherwise. Yes. I very much agree with you!!!


    Psst!!! You cracked me up with your comment on Mister The Hook’s page!!!

    • Thank you, woman, for reading and for bringing me a smile after my favorite team sucked ass and lost their playoff game. Why are we fans of sports? To prove how stupid we are? To throw plastic spatulas at the TV? At least the spatula broke and not the TV (though the TV is getting old and could use replacing). And the cookies came out perfect. Do you remember the first time you read the Hook? Did you ask yourself: “How could a bellman’s life be funny?” Well, I did, and it is and he is. Now I’ll have to read your blog and not just get a chuckle out of your description of it.

      • Woman says:

        ACH!!! Skip the first few posts!!! I was wearing my Serious Hat and had some uber serious thoughts. Never fear. I try not to be too serious too often as that causes life to become less fun and interesting!! And that’s why I do not focus on sports. They might be interesting… but… spatula’s are a national commodity here in China!!!!

  5. Posky says:

    I suppose achieving them is more important than when you make them.

  6. gregoryno6 says:

    I’m still trying to put something down about Christopher Hitchens. Poor bastard’s been dead more than a month now.

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