Before I start: Along with millions of others, I read my horoscope for a laugh. My “weekend love forecast” was “You like freedom and privacy. You’ll be attracted to those who are likely to give you space.” So….., I’m supposed to hit on some lady in a bar or grocery store, and say, “Um, er, you seem nice; howsabout we don’t go for dinner and a movie, because I really need my space tonight.”
My belated New Year’s Resolutions: (I’m using “vow” instead of “resolve” because I can do simple math and 3 letters are quicker to type than 7)
–I vow to quit spending money as if I was Charlie Sheen going through his “bucket list”.
–I vow to either practice guitar at least 2-3 times a week, and actually learn the thing a little, or sell it.
–I vow to fill my blog with more fiction and fewer fat jokes.
–I vow to not swear out loud in the grocery store when the price of anything goes up by 25% or more since the last time I bought it.
–I vow to not worry so much about my health until and unless it gives me something to really worry about.
–I vow to straighten out the crooked cupboard doors in the kitchen of my mobile home, the ones that were apparently put on in the afternoon, after the guys in the factory had a lunch break consisting of Big Macs and bigger marijuana joints.
–I vow to begin whatever incredibly painful process is involved with getting my daughter to start doing some homework. She doesn’t have much homework, but it would be easier to hop to New York City on one leg than to get her to do it without a struggle.
–I vow to put myself in places where I might run into some women I could date, even if it means the hopelessly nerdy singles dances or the hypocrisy-festival that is organized religion. Gas is still too high, and people don’t hitchhike much any more, so highway abduction is OUT.
–I vow to not “say vows” with aforementioned fictional woman until I’ve known her for at least 5 years.
–I vow to put out higher-quality blogposts–a little less vulgarity and fraternity humor, and to not worry that my fictional stories don’t seem as good to me as the stories of Re, Anna G.I.T.H., Anna I. A., Anne S., H.E., Nicole, or anyone else whose fiction I like to read. When I try hard and have an interesting subject, I’d put my slice-of-life commentary up against anyone’s, but my fiction is rare and needs work.
–I vow not to hate people for being too lazy, stupid, busy or self-important to use their turn signals, even if it means me missing a chance to turn left onto a busy street without another long wait.
–I vow to not hate people for using the term “24-7” to mean “every hour of every day”, even though “we’re there for you ’round the clock'” worked just fine for 2000 years or so. “24-7” is a football score, and if it’s deep into the 3rd Quarter, and you’re the “7”, you might want to change quarterbacks.
–I vow to disengage the hook that’s mounted in my tail-bone from the loop that’s mounted in the chair in front of my computer, and read a book, work on the house, play guitar, sit on the back “mini-deck” drinking coffee, wine or beer, or do anything that’s more worthwhile than zombieing-out-on-web-surfing-just-because-I’m-bored-and-lazy.
–I vow to start writing the book about the psychotic killer who fancies himself as sort of a “Robin Hood of manners”, and who solves some old mystery, with some shocking ending that may or may not involve the extremely flawed protagonist dying in a freak accident.
–I vow to make some money, somehow, somewhere, by writing, even if it means whoring myself out somehow, or else give up that idea and just enjoy “readin’ and writin'” as the fun hobby it is, and enjoy the fact that I currently have a brain.
–I vow to actually do the process of transferring old DV-R mini-video-tapes, of my kid and whatnot, to DVDs, so that I’m only 2 “technologies” behind instead of 3 (and then put copies in a safe deposit box).
–I vow to not get too bent out of shape when I see people who live on disability checks, for so-called physical disabilities, who shovel huge amounts of snow, do yard work or remodeling projects that you and I can barely do.
–I vow to not get too far up on my high horse when I hear people “wax poetic” about how great some rap “music” is, to instead just listen to something good, you know, like where someone sings, melodically, rather than chants about the size of their package or the size of their bank account.
–I vow not to hate the use of “bling”, “fail” (as a noun), “network” (as a verb), “flash mob”, “Lohan”, “Kardashian”, “Gaga”, “government leadership”, “man-cave”, “cougar”………
–I vow to occasionally get to work on time.
–I vow to always pull all the shades before I get drunk and “dance” around the house while singing along with my favorite tunes.