Things I’m Thankful For–Turkey Day 2011 (Lite version)

–I’m thankful for my daughter picking out what shirt I should wear, on days that she stays overnight here.  It’s always the same Black Hills t-shirt, with lightning bolts on it, and hearing her patter down the hall to go throw it on the bed and then patter back to the living room, while I’m just finishing showering, is one of the best things in life.

–Having the temps be in the 60s on Turkey Day up here in the Frozen North, with none of that hideous white shit on the ground.

–Being able to open the windows for fresh air in late November, here in the Frozen North.

–Even though my ex-in-laws were okay to talk to, NOT being married into some big family where I have to spend Thanksgiving afternoon listening to some blowhard brother-in-law yapping about politics, religion, the economy, his prowess at hunting, fishing, playing pool, or being rich, all the great “apps” on his “i-this” or “i-that”, his car, his guns, the Minnesota Vikings……

–That I eat out on Turkey Day, and don’t have to fake that I like somebody’s lefse, which has all the flavor and excitement and texture of a softened, rolled-up paper plate.  If you put butter, sugar, honey, jam, and brown sugar on it, it tastes like a softened, rolled-up paper plate with butter, sugar, honey, jam, and brown sugar on it.  Fudge is a holiday treat.  A cookie is a holiday treat.  Pumpkin pie is a holiday treat.  Some dry crap made out of potatoes is not a holiday treat.

–That the cactus in my window doesn’t need water more’n about once every couple months, unlike those other whiny bitches that are resting comfortably in the landfill.  Like I’m gonna get up off the couch to water a frickin’ plant.

–That the chair in front of my computer has an “ejector” feature that gets me out of it after about 2 hours of vegging.  Oh wait, it doesn’t–well, it should!

–That the long list of idiotic things I’ve done in my life has never included waiting in line for a Black Friday sale in some store.

–That I never waited outside a Barnes and Noble bookstore, in freezing-ass weather, to have some moron like Sarah Palin sign a copy of her book for me.  People really did that in a nearby town a couple years ago.

–For crossword puzzles, or I wouldn’t have learned important things, like that “ted” means “spread to dry”, that “ort” means “table scrap for Fido”, that an Asian silkworm is “eria”, that “having been eroded to a plain” is a meaning for “senile”, that a “peri” is a Persian elf or fairy (a child of fallen angels).  Plus they say that doing puzzles like that keeps your mind from being eroded to a plain.  See?  How handy it was that I knew that?  You can wow your friends too.  A co-worker and I used to do crosswords at break way back, and we had another co-worker named Ted, a little guy who moved around like Mick Jagger on meth.  When Ted would “go off”, we’d say to each other “‘Spread-to-dry’ is at it again”.  Oh, those glory days of nerd-dom at the factory.

–That the actual rate of inflation is about 20% a year lately (Have you shopped for food?  Am I lying?), because I always wondered what I’d do with my time, after my child grew up and I turned 67 and we had her high school graduation party and my retirement party the same day.  The answer is: Going back to work, because I’ll have to work till the day I get some horrible disease or drop dead (at work).

–Dammit, I had to go back and edit, because I forgot the best one of all:  I’m thankful for being there when my kid heard someone on TV say “Turn that frown upside down”, and getting to see her hold her 2 index fingers out in space in front of her, trying to figure out how you’d actually turn a frown upside down.  I don’t care how jaded you are, or if you don’t care for kids, because you hate the sound of kids whining in stores or restaurants or anything–that’s the good stuff right there.

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4 Responses to Things I’m Thankful For–Turkey Day 2011 (Lite version)

  1. I laughed out loud at the one about the cactus.

    And smiled at the ones about your daughter, remembering those precious times when my own was very young.

  2. The Hook says:

    Both versions rock! Well done, good sir!

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