Dumbest Song Lyrics From Songs I Don’t Hate

Criteria: Maybe a big favorite of mine, but at least one that I wouldn’t cringe at and turn away from if, say, I was driving between Murdo and Wall, South Dakota, and I was tired of my CDs and the radio choices were limited.  It can’t, for instance, be something that I regret was ever done, like Shan-yeah Twain’s “Man, I Feel Like a Woman”, a horrible, cutesy, choppy, singsongy thing with the memorable words “Men’s shirts, short skirts……man, I feel like a woman.”

Or anything by Kenny Chesney.

Or anything by Mariah Carey except “I’ll Be There” and “Vision of Love”.

Our first winner in the dumb song lyrics from songs I don’t hate contest:  from “Happy to Be Stuck With You” by Huey Lewis and the News:

“We are bound by all the rest

Like the same phone number

All the same friends

And the same address”

(In your best Beavis or Butthead voice:  “So, you’re like, married and junk?”)

—-

“Whiter Shade of Pale” by Procul Harum has a haunting sound that is very cool, and some interesting lyrics, but mostly it’s a train wreck:

“I skipped the light fandango

Turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor….”

The movie “The Commitments” said it best with (what I hear as) “Poxest bleeding lyrics I’ve ever heard.”

———

I could probably do this whole thing just using John Fogerty (Mister Creedence Clearwater Revival), but the big winner from him would be one of my favorite ’60s songs “Fortunate Son”:

“Some folks are born, silver spoon in hand,

Lawd don’t they help themselves,

But when the tax man come to the door,

Lord, their house look like a rummage sale.”

For one thing, I’ve been to rummage sales at some fancy digs, and the fact that the garage where the sale was held is big enough to hold 6 cars is a truer indicator of wealth, I think, than the fact that they’re trying to get some rube to pay a quarter for a rusty can opener.

—–

Not so much the lyrics on this one, as the use of it in a movie.  From “Top Gun”, the Righteous Brothers song “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling”–So…., you mean to tell me that Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis’s “song” is a breakup song?  Hmmm.

——–

Another train wreck of a song, lyric-wise is “Wishlist” by Pearl Jam.  I love the catchiness of this song, and the driving beat, but, come on:

“I wish I was the verb to trust”—that’s deeply deeply gay.

Please try not to be offended by the term gay; it’s the way people talk.  I’m a non-practicing heterosexual named Kevin, so if you want to say “that’s deeply deeply Kevin” instead, I’m fine with that.  Or, “that’s so non-practicing heterosexual”, that works too.

———

Speaking of people that we’re not sure who they bat for (not that there’s anything wrong with that), Michael Stipe and REM’s song for Andy Kaufman “Man on the Moon” is another winner:

“Here’s a truck stop instead of St. Peter”

I think he’s trying to say that that’s a bad thing.  I know I mostly have no choice in the matter, though I can try to live fairly safely and watch my health a little bit, but until I’m 95 or so, I’d much rather see a truck stop on the side of the road than see St. Peter there.  I mean, at a truck stop you have, among other choices, “Grand Funk Railroad’s Greatest Hits” on CD for $5.99 plus tax, a personal pan pizza for $4.99 plus tax, or a chlamydia-infested 17-year old, meth-addicted “lot lizard” prostitute from Cleveland for $7.99, no tax needed but tips are welcome, thanks.  As I understand it, at St. Peter’s all you have for choices are “Thumbs Up” or “Thumbs Down.”

—————-

Ah, there’s more, I’m sure, but, like I say, they have to be songs that aren’t just plain hateful, and of course that’s subjective.  If you can think of any, I’d love to hear about them, but, please, no rap, because I can’t stand it, though almost every rap “artist” has at least one winner in this category, I’m sure (if you like rap, that is).  Doesn’t every one of them have at least one “song” that has them saying “I’m so and so, and I do such and such, and my this and that is such and such”?  I mean, write songs about love or issues, or something, not about your greatness.  And most country is out, too, because 99% of it is so bad.  Although I’m tempted to include Brad Paisley’s song “Water” because he is a class act, and mostly doesn’t suck, but come on, a song about water?  The song sucks or I’d include it here.  It does have memorable lines like:

“Daytona Beach on spring break,

18 girls up on stage,

White t-shirts about to be sprayed,

With water.”

Yeah that’s some great stuff, Brad.

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16 Responses to Dumbest Song Lyrics From Songs I Don’t Hate

  1. Anna says:

    Aiden released the album ‘Disguises’ earlier this year and there’s one song that actually makes me cringe when it comes on. They used to do little dark horror inspired songs, that sort of stuff. Then they released ‘Conviction’ which was still pretty dark, but for want of a better word, was also really gay. Then there was ‘Knives’ where they first introduced the theme that they’re running with now, which is religion, or to be more specific, anti-religion. Which is fine. Absolutely fine. I agree and I listen and I dance, and it was all going very well. But then came ‘Disguises’… and upon that a song entitled ‘Hysteria’… and with that the lyrics…

    ‘Now faith is a question you can choose
    Faith, whether Christian, Muslim, Jew…’

    WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! What. The fuck. Is that? Maybe it’s more annoying if you actually hear it but they’ve gone from quirky little lyrics with bouts of aggression and humour to nonchalantly listing everything that they hate. ‘Christian, Muslim, Jew’. It’s the way he says ‘Jew’ aswell with a little ring at the end, as though it’s supposed to sound epic. NO, YOU’RE JUST YELLING ‘JEW’ AT THE END OF THE SENTENCE. There is nothing about those lyrics that I like and it genuinely makes me cringe when I hear it. The lyrics aren’t subtle or clever like I had always expected of them. They are just dumb. Absolutely dumb! Plus, it was the leading single from the album which made it even worse. If you’re going to make a statement, you can’t just assume that your cleverness precedes you. ‘Christian, Muslim, Jew’. Unbelievable.

    Oh, also not that I have anything against these religions specifically at all. Religion as a whole just baffles my mind with its own stupidity. From now on I think I might just stick to my Marilyn Manson, ‘I’m not a slave to a God that doesn’t exist…’ – now there’s something we can all relate to!

  2. “Ahhh… Oh!
    Whole lotta love.
    Wanna whole lotta love.
    Wanna whole lotta love.
    Wanna whole lotta love.”

    You need coolin’ baby, I been droolin…
    Oh the good times, baby, I been misusin’…..

    Waaaaaayyyyy downin siiiide, woman! You need yeah, loooooooooooove!

    Shake for me girl. I wanna be your back door man. Hey! Oh! Hey! Oh! Hey! Oh! Ooooooooooooooh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

    Keep it coolin, baby! Keep it coolin, baby! Keep it coolin, baby! Ahhh, keep it coolin baby……!”
    ***********
    It struck me last summer, exactly how ridiculous these Led Zeppelin lyrics are. I burst out laughing on the L while I listened to it in my earphones. On repeat. But I have a glorious headache now from listening to it on You Tube. (The head bangin’, you know…)

    • Wow, I totally forgot about “Whole Lotta Love”, which is funny because I had thought of throwing in some lines from “Stairway to Heaven”, like “if there’s a bustle in your hedgerow……it’s just a spring clean for the May Queen”, and all that, but really that just fits in with the song, I guess. Anyway, thanks, I needed the laugh this morning when I read the lyrics that you wrote; really makes the thing seem even more ridiculous when you see it all printed out like that. Which also reminds me of trying to sing “Mustang Sally” at karaoke; I’m familiar with the “Commitments” version, so when I tried to sing Wilson Pickett’s version, it’s mostly the same, except for some “yeahs” and “come ons” and that kind of thing at the end, which sounds really ridiculous when someone, like me, who is unfamiliar with that particular ending, tries to make it sound right.

      Keep it coolin’, sparks. Thanks for reading.

  3. Oh yes, I think Sparks in Shadows has nailed it. I love the song, but seriously the words don’t even make sense. But Procul Harum is way up there on the list. Maybe you have to be “dropping acid” to like really relate to the lyrics or maybe play them backwards.

    Great post.

  4. The Hook says:

    Great title – and post!

  5. my favorite is; “as the tears roll down my face, i can’t believe i’ve been replaced…” to which i always say to myself “believe it ace…believe it.”

  6. Rose says:

    A lot of REM lyrics belong in the, mm I don’t know, what the hell are they talking about anyway the tune’s alright’ category….I too would rather a truck stop than St Peter, cause I know the thumbs would be down.

    • “Who the heck is ‘turnips for breakfast’ and why is she commenting on this old post?” is what I thought when I first saw this come up in my email feed. Sorry I haven’t got back to you; it’s always nice to hear from you. And yeah, I’m pretty sure the thumbs would be down for me too.

  7. Rose says:

    ps I didn’t know your name was Kevin – is it really?

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