Criteria: Maybe a big favorite of mine, but at least one that I wouldn’t cringe at and turn away from if, say, I was driving between Murdo and Wall, South Dakota, and I was tired of my CDs and the radio choices were limited. It can’t, for instance, be something that I regret was ever done, like Shan-yeah Twain’s “Man, I Feel Like a Woman”, a horrible, cutesy, choppy, singsongy thing with the memorable words “Men’s shirts, short skirts……man, I feel like a woman.”
Or anything by Kenny Chesney.
Or anything by Mariah Carey except “I’ll Be There” and “Vision of Love”.
Our first winner in the dumb song lyrics from songs I don’t hate contest: from “Happy to Be Stuck With You” by Huey Lewis and the News:
“We are bound by all the rest
Like the same phone number
All the same friends
And the same address”
(In your best Beavis or Butthead voice: “So, you’re like, married and junk?”)
“Whiter Shade of Pale” by Procul Harum has a haunting sound that is very cool, and some interesting lyrics, but mostly it’s a train wreck:
“I skipped the light fandango
Turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor….”
The movie “The Commitments” said it best with (what I hear as) “Poxest bleeding lyrics I’ve ever heard.”
I could probably do this whole thing just using John Fogerty (Mister Creedence Clearwater Revival), but the big winner from him would be one of my favorite ’60s songs “Fortunate Son”:
“Some folks are born, silver spoon in hand,
Lawd don’t they help themselves,
But when the tax man come to the door,
Lord, their house look like a rummage sale.”
For one thing, I’ve been to rummage sales at some fancy digs, and the fact that the garage where the sale was held is big enough to hold 6 cars is a truer indicator of wealth, I think, than the fact that they’re trying to get some rube to pay a quarter for a rusty can opener.
Not so much the lyrics on this one, as the use of it in a movie. From “Top Gun”, the Righteous Brothers song “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling”–So…., you mean to tell me that Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis’s “song” is a breakup song? Hmmm.
Another train wreck of a song, lyric-wise is “Wishlist” by Pearl Jam. I love the catchiness of this song, and the driving beat, but, come on:
“I wish I was the verb to trust”—that’s deeply deeply gay.
Please try not to be offended by the term gay; it’s the way people talk. I’m a non-practicing heterosexual named Kevin, so if you want to say “that’s deeply deeply Kevin” instead, I’m fine with that. Or, “that’s so non-practicing heterosexual”, that works too.
Speaking of people that we’re not sure who they bat for (not that there’s anything wrong with that), Michael Stipe and REM’s song for Andy Kaufman “Man on the Moon” is another winner:
“Here’s a truck stop instead of St. Peter”
I think he’s trying to say that that’s a bad thing. I know I mostly have no choice in the matter, though I can try to live fairly safely and watch my health a little bit, but until I’m 95 or so, I’d much rather see a truck stop on the side of the road than see St. Peter there. I mean, at a truck stop you have, among other choices, “Grand Funk Railroad’s Greatest Hits” on CD for $5.99 plus tax, a personal pan pizza for $4.99 plus tax, or a chlamydia-infested 17-year old, meth-addicted “lot lizard” prostitute from Cleveland for $7.99, no tax needed but tips are welcome, thanks. As I understand it, at St. Peter’s all you have for choices are “Thumbs Up” or “Thumbs Down.”
Ah, there’s more, I’m sure, but, like I say, they have to be songs that aren’t just plain hateful, and of course that’s subjective. If you can think of any, I’d love to hear about them, but, please, no rap, because I can’t stand it, though almost every rap “artist” has at least one winner in this category, I’m sure (if you like rap, that is). Doesn’t every one of them have at least one “song” that has them saying “I’m so and so, and I do such and such, and my this and that is such and such”? I mean, write songs about love or issues, or something, not about your greatness. And most country is out, too, because 99% of it is so bad. Although I’m tempted to include Brad Paisley’s song “Water” because he is a class act, and mostly doesn’t suck, but come on, a song about water? The song sucks or I’d include it here. It does have memorable lines like:
“Daytona Beach on spring break,
18 girls up on stage,
White t-shirts about to be sprayed,
Yeah that’s some great stuff, Brad.