A Day in the Life of a Retired Newspaper Editor Couple

(I think my friends in other countries probably know American culture as well as we do, from TV, movies, and whatnot, but, just in case:  “Seniors” is a common media term for old farts, and “boomers”, of course, refers to those of us born in the baby-making frenzy that occurred from right after WWII up till about ’65, the “baby boom” generation that supposedly will bankrupt our retirement system)

(Scene: A comfy, slightly upscale suburban home somewhere in America.  Shortly after sunrise)

She:  Morning Comes Early For Seniors

He:  Good Nights Rest Vital As Boomer Generation Ages

She:  Seniors Eating Healthy Breakfast

He:  Aging Boomers Eating Healthier, Living Longer

She:  Seniors More Likely To Seek Depression Relief Through Prescription Drugs

He:  Seniors Concerned about Increasing Costs of Prescriptions

She:  Seniors Find Birdwatching Has Calming Effect

He:  Increasing Problem Of Bird Droppings Frustrates Local Homeowners

She:  Seniors Find Puzzles Good Tools In Keeping Minds Sharp

He:  Retirees Enjoy Alertness Benefits, Taste Of Premium Coffee

She:  Aging Boomers Find It Hard To Leave Youthful Marijuana Habits Behind

He:  Boomers Seek Drug Connections Through Adult Children, Teen Grandchildren

She:  Seniors More Likely To Grow Pot For Personal Use

He:  Local Police Seek Funding For Thermal Cameras To Help Bust “Grow-Houses”


(Scene:  Same house, noon)

She:  Seniors Have More Time, Money For Gambling

He:  Seniors Curtailing Gambling Trips As Food, Energy Costs Skyrocket

She:  Retired Women More Likely Than Men To Develop Enjoyable Hobbies Outside Home

He:  Male Retirees Increasingly Seek Solace, Savings In Homebound Activities

She:  More Retired Wives Likely To Seek Divorce From Uninteresting Husbands

He:  Senior Men More Likely Than Women To Find New Partners After Divorce, Death Of Spouse

She:  Boomer Wives More Likely To Cheat Than Boomer Husbands

He:  Boomer Husbands Seek Help From Viagra To Keep Up With New Younger Sex Partner’s Appetites

She:  Notables Attend Former Newspaper Editor’s Funeral; Editor Wife Questioned In Mysterious Death

He:  Seniors Still Finding Ways To Gamble Despite Rising Costs Of Living


(Scene:  Afternoon, on way to nearest Indian casino)

He:  College Girls Try Jogging To Fight off “Freshman 15” Weight Gain

She:  Study Shows Young Women Not Likely To Date Older Men Unless Money Is Involved

He:  Aging Men Tend To Tune Out Bad News

She:  Retired Male Boomers Don’t Like What They See In Mirror In Morning


(Scene:  Same suburban house as before, late evening, same couple, slightly poorer now, laying in bed reading)

She:  Aging Boomer Women Find Sexual Appetites Still Strong

He:  Aging Boomer Men Find More Pleasure In Reading Good Books Than In Having Sex

She:  Venerable Ex-Newspaperman’s Reputation Smeared In Nasty Divorce; Accusations By Wife Of “Pattern Of Sexual Harassment By Husband” Toward Younger Male Reporters

He:  Aging Boomer Men Still Finding Aging Boomer Women Phenomenally Attractive

She:  Senior Women Finding Dim Lights And Sexy Negligees Good Combination

He:  Senior Men Find Picturing Boomer Wives As “Pot-Smoking College Coeds They Fell In Love With” Helpful In Achieving Erection

(Scene:  same bed, about 45 minutes later)

She:  Seniors Still Able To Achieve Sexual Satisfaction

He:  Seniors Still Able To Achieve Sexual Satisfaction


(TTD’s note:  I have always wanted to spend a day at work, in the factory or wherever, speaking nothing but “headline-speak” to some semi-literate friend, but never got around to it.  So I offer this little “play” instead, with a couple who can’t speak any other way than with headlines.  I wasn’t absolutely sure where it would go, except that it had to have the “happy ending” and had to have my favorite newspaper headline words: “Notable” (headline-speak for famous or supposedly important) and “Venerable” (headline-speak for “older than dirt and famous”).


This entry was posted in Fiction, Humor and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to A Day in the Life of a Retired Newspaper Editor Couple

  1. LOve it! Hey– Do you want to exchange blogroll listings?

  2. Pingback: From the blog of Mr T T Deluxe « The mind is an unexplored country.

  3. Pingback: Just For the Heck of It | Trailertrashdeluxe's Blog

  4. Thanks for pointing me to your play. How cool! I love it — great fun and well put together.

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