Bacon and Insanity

My God, I need to ease back on the caffeine a little, I think.  Some of my last post, especially the paragraph about getting a dog, etc., reads like a breathless child trying to tell a story too quickly.  Reminds me of an old farm neighbor lady from when I was growing up, whose heart was as big as the summer sun, and whose husband’s heart exploded on the tractor one day.  She used to keep chickens in the basement, I guess, but that was before I knew her family.  Anyway, after she had moved into town, she wrote my dad a letter one time which started (we’ll call my dad Fred) like this:

“Fred, me and (son) went to the grocery store, etc, etc.”  Just like that, immediately launching into her narrative, without a hi, how are you, or anything like that.  Sometimes I feel like my writing is like that.  “Country-simple”, you might call it.

That same farm woman’s husband whose heart exploded?–his brother walked out to the barn one day and hung himself.  Whatever it was that bothered him, I never found out.  Another old neighbor man had a heart attack in a barn.  Bacon and insanity are still among the leading causes of death in rural America today.

I dumped Facebook today.  I dumped it like an ugly, clingy girlfriend who can’t hold her liquor so she isn’t even a fun drunk.  Ironically, about 8 hours after I deleted my Facebook account, a blogging friend of mine (Anna, aka girlinthehat.wordpress) mentioned that she might like to contact me through Facebook.  Well, I probably will go back there some day, maybe even this year yet, but for now, I want to pursue other hobbies.  Like maybe picking up the guitar I’ve owned for nearly 40 years, and trying to play something other than a few notes of “Leavin’ on a Jet Plane”.  Or starting that novel.  Or going to karaoke night and trying to get a “pre-nursing-home-days” girlfriend.  Me:  “I’m getting after you after “lights out” tonight, Emily.”  Emily:  “Eh, what?  Your catheter’s trying to fall out  tonight?”

Mainly, though, I dumped Facebook because it didn’t give me any of the 4 things I desperately crave in my adult life (that is, the part of my life not spent being a parent of, playmate of, and lax disciplinarian to a 7-year old).   Those 4 things I crave, in no particular order, are: 1) Money, 2) Fame, 3) Intelligent interchange of ideas about books, concepts, and whatnot, with other adults who like to read, and 4) Whores.

Yes, it’s fun to exchange friendly insults with Facebook friends, to see their pictures, and catch up on their news, but it’s just not enough for now.  Checking it 3 or more times a day, out of habit, is just a waste of time, time that could be spent doing other things.  Though, of course, I will miss the nearly constant bombardment of “repost if you’re as patriotic as this”, or “repost if you love your sister”, or “repost if you’ve ever had to do this (as a worker, a parent, a “survivor” of the pre-digital age, etc.)”, not to mention the American flags made out of asterisks and equals signs.

Yet another t-shirt I’d like to have the cajones to wear (btw, this was centered semi-nicely on “Word” but didn’t transfer well to wordpress, and I’m not going to try to fix it–it’s meant, of course to “trail down” the front or back of the wearer.  Plus I screwed up the font size in the middle of it, but who cares) :

YES, I AM

STARING AT YOUR WOMAN’S ASS!!

I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEEN THE THING LATELY??

FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, IT SHOULD HAVE ITS OWN WEBSITE

LET’S SAY HER NAME’S MARY.  THEN  IT’D BE “MARYSASS DOT COM”

I MEAN, DON’T TELL ME YOU DIDN’T NOTICE IT RIGHT AWAY

WHEN YOU STARTED DATING, OR DID YOU DATE HER FOR A YEAR,

PROPOSE TO HER, THEN, ONE DAY, SAY TO YOURSELF, “DAMN, SHE’S NICE,

AND SHE LOOKS GREAT WALKING AWAY TOO!!

I MEAN, I JUST SAW HER FOR THE FIRST TIME

EVER, JUST NOW, AND ALREADY I WANT TO

JUST GRAB THAT THING

WITH BOTH

HANDS………

————————-

I believe John Denver and some others co-wrote “Leavin’ on a Jet Plane.”  So here’s another one he also sang, but by Kris Kristofferson, called “Casey’s Last Ride.”

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Bacon and Insanity

  1. gregoryno6 says:

    That would be a good T shirt.
    And I didn’t realise bacon had it in so bad for the American citizen.

  2. You think bacon is evil, there’s roving gangs of link- and patty-sausages molesting and killing entire families on the desert interstates!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s