Top 10 things that “Undateable” missed

The VH1 show “Undateable–Top 100 things that Guys do to Make Sure They Won’t be Dating or Having Sex” was entertaining at times, but, after having some beers doing some serious scientific research, I decided that they missed some of the most obvious ones:

10.  As your date turns her head to glance at a muscular guy walking by, say to her “Wow, a person has to wonder what sucking his d*** would be like.”

9.  Stand up from your chair in a bar, elaborately adjust your belt or pants, and say “Gotta go to the BIG boy’s room.”  Then, as you pass her chair, stand with your back to her for a second, let go with a loud fart, punch her lightly in the shoulder, and say “How about them baked beans?”

8.  Interrupt something that your date is saying, to tell her “Hey, look at the cans on that babe–I bet if you blow a little of the dust out of your wallet, you could get a new pair and get into the big leagues like her.  Then we’d have us some fun!”

7.  Tell her the joke “Why do women wear perfume and makeup?  Because they’re ugly and they stink!”

6.  Tell her the joke “What’s the first thing every woman gets when she gets out of the domestic abuse shelter?  A beer for her husband, if she knows what’s good for her!”

5.  Tell her “I don’t usually date hefty girls, but, if you’re game, I’ll take one for the team.”

4.  Rap the following to your date:

“I’m a little teapot,

Short and stout,”

(then, while pointing at your crotch)

“This is my handle

And it’s also my spout, BEEEIIIITTTCH!”

3.  Tell her “Just a minute–since you’re okay looking, I’m gonna call and cancel my backup date.”

2.  Ask, real early in the date, “Hey, toots, are we gonna be bumpin’ uglies tonight or what?  Otherwise I got another broad I wanna call before it’s too late.”

And the number one undateable thing that guys do that VH1 missed:

1.  Tell her “You know, it’s damn hard to watch Spongebob with the kids, because all I can think about is how much I’d love to rail Sandy the Squirrel!”

I know, I’m flopping around right down in the gutter tonight; there’s a real high-minded thing I want to write about, a book report, if you will, but that would have taken time and energy I just don’t have tonight.  Maybe in a few days.  In the meantime, I gotta go visit the Sandman and dream about underwater squirrel-domes.  Later, y’all.

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2 Responses to Top 10 things that “Undateable” missed

  1. groovyrick says:

    They don’t call her Sandy Cheeks for nothing!

    • Well, she just has a certain spark, you know. Assuming that she’s an adult that is. (As if a persona I’ve created of a misogynist, egotistical, shallow, possibly bisexual, squirrel-fucking, flatulent white rapper, would be that much worse if the cartoon squirrel were underage!)

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