Where is the love? (Internet searches I have or haven’t done)

Hi y’all–some talk recently about the searches that people use to stumble across different blogs made me think about some of the searches I have done over the years.  I wonder–can you guess which ones are “real” (ones I actually did for some reason before this post became an idea) and ones that I just dreamed up for fun today (though I’ve looked most all of them up now).  Here’s a partial:

1.  “Safe places to masturbate at work”  (You’d be surprised, or not, at how much info you can find about this, including the Brazilian woman who sued for, and won, the right to do it as many as 18 times a day at her accountant job.  I think it would be disturbing to sit across the desk from my tax guy and have him say “You’re better off just taking the “UNNNNNGGGGGHHHH”, um, excuse me, taking the standard deductions”.)   (“UNNNNGGGGGHHHH” has always been my favorite written description of the happy ending)

2.  “Why are old people all spitty?”  (Didn’t really get an answer; maybe it’s repressed drooling, since anything in a skirt under 40  50 looks amazing to us geezers.)

3.  “What percentage of priests are child molesters?”  (Sorry, Catholics)

4.  “How to start a cult and have everyone give me their women and money”  (An alarming amount of info exists on this, though most of it is cautionary or satirical rather than “cheerleading”)

5.  “Which pro athletes smoke weed?”  (Have always had to laugh about the leagues being so uptight about this; from what I’ve ever seen of people, it seems like it just slows people’s reflexes down, so it’s not like it’s a performance-enhancer)

6.  “Have the Black Eyed Peas ever done any songs that didn’t suck?”  (Had to search for a long time on Youtube, but I found one:  “Where is the Love?” from ’03, I guess.  Even though I hate rap like the “money scene” from a romance novel–with a burning passion that goes beyond all reason, that is–I liked this one and would listen to it again.  I’d listen to it 100 times rather than listen to “I Gotta Feelin'” ever again.  If you have money rolling out of your ass, hire a fucking lyricist.  “I gotta feelin’, tonight’s gonna be a good night” could have been ok if it had led to something other than repeating itself, followed by what sounds like rejected middle-school cheerleading chants.  It’s like the songwriter isn’t even really trying.

“Tonight’s the night,

let’s live it up,

I got my money,

let’s spend it up”

–if I were the songwriter’s parent, I would just cringe.)

7.  “Are there genetic traits besides ugly and boring that drive women away?”

8.  “How can you be as funny around women you’d like to boink as you are around women who are just friends?”

9.  “Why don’t lighters explode?”  (Lack of oxygen, mostly, I guess)

10.  “Did Catherine the Great really die while having sex with a horse?”  (Apparently just some bitches dissing Katie, not a horse, in her, falling on her)

11.  “Does repressed flatulence lead to colon problems?”

12.  “Who farts more, men or women?”  (“About equal, but men are prouder” is pretty much an exact quote from one site.)

13.  “Do all species fart?”  (Apparently, all it takes is a digestive system of some sort)

The prize for figuring out which ones are “real” and which ones were pulled out of, somewhere, today:  A nice warm feeling, is all.   “UNNNNGGGGGHHH”  (Just kidding–sheesh, I’m not at work, after all)

14.  “As I walk this land of broken dreams, I have visions of many things”

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4 Responses to Where is the love? (Internet searches I have or haven’t done)

  1. Hahahahha, thanks for the laugh, that was hilarious!

  2. Gregoryno6 says:

    7 – The answer is yes: Poor.
    And I think all these questions are genuine. But you forgot can you get an STD from intercourse with extraterrestrials?

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