Special effects crap

Believe it or not, I’ve been working very hard lately.  It’s the start of our busy season, so we’re getting everything set up.  But I just had to say that I have never seen the movie “Speed”, just little bits and pieces of it, and always felt like I must have missed something.  But, I saw a little of it on AMC lately, and now I know I haven’t missed a thing.  The idea of a bus “catching air” for no reason and jumping a–what?–70 foot gap in an elevated roadway, just put that movie into the realm of what I call “Special Effects Crap”.  I’ve thought for years that there should be a part of the ratings system that, in addition to labelling movies PG or R or whatever, would also have an “SEC” rating for that.  They’d be movies with so little redeeming value, and so much ridiculous, and ongoing, (though perhaps very real-looking), “action” that they would get the “SEC” plus a number.  For instance, “Eraser”, with Arnie, would maybe be “SEC 892”, if for no other reason than it wants us to believe that a person would actually be able to escape the bad guys in their jet airplane, by throwing a parachute out the door, not getting it sucked through the engine, then jumping out yourself way too long after, not getting sucked into the engine, and diving to catch the parachute and put it on before you hit a junk car.  Or maybe you’d have “SEC Arnie number ___” and “SEC Bruce Willis ___”, etc.  Shyeeeya LeBoof would have his own category, “Special Effects Crap starring a guy with an inexcusably stupid name, a bad chin, and no apparent talent, who gets to hang out in movies with girls with awesome butts, who may or may not have stupid tattoos all over their bodies ___.”   Hopefully Sarah Roemer will never get a tattoo that says “There once was a girl who had to have her body covered with sayings about butterflies and broken hearts and other pretentious-hot-girl stuff.” 

Yeah, it’s a low point for me–topical but out-of-date entertainment commentary.  I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t “out of shape”.  Not me.

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5 Responses to Special effects crap

  1. pl holden says:

    There’s nothing wrong with reviewing old movies. I’ve done it a few times and I think that it gives a fresh perspective compared to when we first saw it and it’s nice to walk down memory lane.

  2. groovyrick says:

    I really enjoyed this one! Got me thinking that there should also be a “really bad special effects” category for movies like Forrest Gump and the first Superman.
    Glad to see you’re back…I’ve been in a slump…just lazy. The last thing I wrote about was Senor Wences for God sake.

  3. The Hook says:

    Keanu Reeves – what an actor, right?

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