Things I’ve learned from Forensic Files (and similar shows)
If your spouse starts to insist on bringing you drinks and never did before, pour out all the old antifreeze containers. New ones are okay; they passed a law a few years back to put a bittering agent in it.
If your spouse has taken out a lot of life insurance on you lately and insists on bringing you drinks, send them away on some trip, then have your friends help you scour the place and get rid of any suspicious stuff.
If your spouse has taken out a lot of life insurance on you lately and you feel sick after eating or drinking anything they fix, run like hell.
If a new partner seems too good to be true, and has a shadowy past, have them investigated. If they had a mate who died mysteriously, run like hell.
If a new partner seems too good to be true, tells you they have a lot of money, but it’s tied up right now in this or that deal, and they need you to pay for things till that happens, run like hell.
You’re not smarter than the cops. Even if you’re the smartest person in MENSA, and the cops never got better than Cs in school, they’ll find you (unless they’re OJ cops), the DAs will successfully prosecute you (unless they’re OJ DAs), the jury will convict you (unless they’re OJ jurors) and the judge will throw the book at you (unless they’re the OJ judge). The cops don’t like coincidences, they can smell a rat a mile away, they know how to follow the money, they are trained to detect lying, they don’t stop until they are satisfied that they have solved the case, and they take a personal interest in getting you.
If you commit a large robbery, don’t start to spend beyond your means.
If you murder your spouse, don’t start boinking other people the next day.
If you murder your spouse, don’t call their life insurance agent the next day.
If you conspire with someone to kill someone else, don’t call the other creep 38 times in the hours surrounding the murder.
Don’t brag about your crimes to other morons.
DNA doesn’t lie.
Don’t save receipts that show you buying items related to the crime.
Put your loved ones on a cranberry juice diet–it apparently helps to counteract the effects of date-rape drugs.
Rather than kill someone, divorce them instead–much simpler in the long run.
Rather than rob someone, get a job.
Fuck civil liberties and privacy–I say we get DNA profiles of everyone in the US, if we want to stop America from being the land of the free and the home of the serial killer.
Don’t try washing out the blood–they’ll find it.
If anybody talks about wanting to kill a bunch of people, make sure they don’t have access to weapons.
If you kill your spouse and you want to stage a break-in, break the glass from the outside in, not the other way around. If that bitch Mrs. Smith from next door sees you doing that, do the neighborhood a favor and get rid of her too. Blame it on the people who killed your spouse.
Don’t Google “How to get away with murder”.
Don’t Google “How to dispose of a body.”
If you’re feeling ill, don’t let your spouse spoon-feed you lime green jello (the antifreeze thing again).
Happy Turkey Day!