Even Photos Are Unfair

Look at this damn picture.  Yes that’s me from early Feb. 2014, 58 godawful years old, mostly washed-out looking, pale and scrungy and aging gracelessly.  I try in vain to get a good self-picture to put up here on WordPress just to have something that doesn’t scare even me. The look on my face is pure disdain for the camera that, I know from experience, isn’t going to make me look even as average as I look to myself when I look in the mirror at basically exactly the same time as when I take the picture.

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Despite my whining, I accept this fact.  I used to be photogenic compared to now, but I think you could say that about a lot of 58 year olds.  What chaps my ass, though, besides the slow rubbing of sandpaper across it by my dominatrix, is the difference between the lighting on my mug, and the area around the lamp in the background.  I mean, look at the lamp and the entertainment center area–it’s all cozy and dreamy like a damn Thomas Kinkade painting, only without the early booze-and-Valium death and the universal disdain by art critics.   I assure you that in real life that lamp and the “aura” of light around it are as pale and washed out as I am; the light through the lampshade is actually more white than the romantic yellow shade in the photo.

I suppose I’d rather be a bristly rebel and get laid than be “cozy and dreamy” and get laid, but, since times are tough, and, well, I’ve bored my regular readers with how tough they are, but, if they insist on staying tough, I’d rather it be ME that’s cozy and dreamy-looking in pics, instead of my entertainment center lamp for pete’s sake.  Life is unfair, isn’t it?  Maybe I can get a disability for this.  We’ll call it “photo-aura-not-terrifically-sexy” syndrome, or “PANTS” for short, and I’ll be getting paid, for sure.  The requirement will be that a pro photographer will take pictures of me in various natural settings, not in front of a cloth background or whatever they use, and if the background continually looks cozy and dreamy, and I continue to look scrungy and washed out, no matter how the picture is lit, I qualify for “PANTS” and I get my pants pockets full, very full, of perfectly lighted cash.

Look up Thomas Kinkade if you get a chance; Wikipedia claims that he would “mark his territory”, literally, as well as other, odd, alcohol-fueled bizarreness, which would mark the first time that alcohol ever helped cause people to do strange things.

(There, I fixed it; made this post lamer but got rid of what I was uncomfortable with.)

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8 Responses to Even Photos Are Unfair

  1. Love this. That’s all I have to say about it.
    I’ve found a solution to the picture problem. I keep taking pictures until I get a good one. It could take more than an hour to do this, which may be why I accidentally-on-purpose lost my camera.
    Did you know Thomas Kinkaide once lived in Berkeley? I just can’t believe that. Plus, I’d guess LSD before booze.

    • Too funny–I think maybe I need to do that myself–”misplace” the camera. Hard to believe he lived in Berkeley. I would’ve picked a cozy little cottage in Vermont or Virginia. It sounds like he was out of his tree, so yeah, LSD is a definite possibility.

  2. BroadBlogs says:

    That’s true. They say you have to take a lot of pictures to get a good one.

    • I suppose that’s true. I don’t believe I drink heavily, but the beer in the summer and wine in the winter that help loosen my fingers to write also age me more than just the years would have done, and I don’t really appreciate seeing that in my face. Glad that you stopped by.

  3. Lisa says:

    My solution? I take a picture of a tree and put my name under it. Or use the mountains as my label. But then, I don’t look in the mirror, either. Honestly though, I liked your photo. You look like some of my relatives, like someone I’d be comfortable hanging out around a bonfire and talking with all night (as my family is known to do). On a serious note, I think none of us are seen by others in the same way we see ourselves in the mirror. Or the same as our mental image. On a lighter note, never liked Thomas Kincaid or soft and cozy. No drama or stories there.

    • Thank you, Lisa. I have a nature picture as the header on my blog, but I like to have a relatively current picture of me somewhere on there, in the Gravatar or wherever, because I always like to see what an author looks like. If I think they look dull, chances are I won’t read the book unless it really strikes me as wonderful. Your relatives sound cool. I long for it to be somewhat warmer than our current below-zero trend, so that friends and I actually could sit around outside.

      • Lisa says:

        That’s what I’m afraid of! That someone will judge my writing based on my appearance rather than my work. Ah, the dilemma…we’re supposed to get above the 20 degree mark this weekend; maybe the warming trend will head your way, too.

        • It’s supposed to get up above 20 starting this coming Wednesday; right now (Sunday afternoon) it’s about 3 above F. A lot of authors never put their photos in their books, so you could save yours for the second bestseller, right? I would be happy right now just to get up the energy to start a book.

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