Hey WordPress, Is Anyone Actually Reading Me?

You know what really chaps my ass?  Well, my dominatrix’s riding crop for one thing, duh, but I mean besides that. 

What really chaps my ass is stupid stuff that computers do and that software gurus do.  I’m the first to admit my basic computer-illiteracy, and am thankful that nowadays a computer, for the mass of people, is just another “thing” we operate.  No more “CD forward slash colon whatever” crap.  But from the first time I ever looked at a personal computer I knew that those damn nerds don’t think like the rest of us.  I won’t go into the whole history of my hatred for all things computer-related, and Bill Gates in particular, but I hate the way they think. 

I mean, it’s the simplest shit.  My DVR, for instance, has a sort of computer in it, right?  I mostly use it to play CDs.  (True story about my technological-impairment:  When my old CD player died a few years ago, I looked around in vain for one to just pick up at a store, since I love my CDs.  Somehow I just casually mentioned to the guy at a music store that I didn’t really want to buy any more machines right now because I had recently bought a digital video recorder, a DVR.  He nicely and calmly explained that the DVR would read and play CDs also.) 

Do you think I can just power up the DVR, hit “open” on the remote or the front panel, and have the CD/DVD drawer open?  Hell no, it has to think about it first, has to go through several hundred (thousand?) mental computer gyrations to decide if it’s indeed okay for the human to actually open the drawer.  It has to “load”, maybe will interrupt itself somewhere in that process to open for a second, then will pop back closed again before I can put in a new CD.  If I hit the open button again, it will then probably open and finally, dutifully, await my human action.  Why can’t it be just like a light switch, I ask you?  Of course, some compact fluorescent light bulbs aren’t “instant-on”, but I’ve gotten used to that and I like not changing bulbs every 3 weeks.  But then, they aren’t computers.

WordPress software nerds–I’m grateful for this “unpaid writing” hobby you provide me at no cost, but, for crying out loud–did you have to add an extra step to viewing a blogpost?  If I go to “freshpressed” and it finally comes up and I click on “More Boring Pictures of North Dakota”, which was FP’ed that day, it brings up a little sort of pop-up thing of that blogpost and I then have to click “View Original” to actually go to the source of that post, the blog: “North Dakota is inferior to South Dakota but we still somehow think we’re cool” dot wordpress dot com.  It’s a South Dakota/North Dakota thing; you probably wouldn’t understand unless you’re from these parts–let’s just say they (the even-more-frozen North) don’t have the Black Hills or the real Badlands and leave it at that.  We have our silly little jokes for all surrounding states, such as: “What’s the state motto for Iowa?  Answer: Gateway to Nebraska.”  Anyway, why did you add that extra step, WordPress?  What does that gain us to not just go directly to the website?

I know one thing it loses.  It loses “page hit” statistics for me.  I could get Freshpressed (doubt it) for, say, a short “words-only” post, say “Why Kates Winslet and Beckinsale Should Murder Their Hubbies and Come Live With Me”, and get read by 3 thousand people, and if no one hit “like” or left a comment, I’d never know anyone visited, because WP doesn’t record the number of views of the little pop-up (sorry I don’t even know the correct terminology) showing of my post; it only shows stats of actual visits to my website.  So, to make a long story short, one of the main reasons to write a blog, namely having one’s ego stoked by seeing a larger-than-before visit total, is largely gone now.  I get “likes” without “visits” and comments without “visits”.  Judging by what I see when I click on some posts either in “Freshly Pressed” or “Reader”, I apparently would have a way to deny people the ability to see the entire blogpost without paying an actual blog visit (assuming I could figure out how or it’s not a “premium perk”), but isn’t that a bit arrogant?

As an aside:  Don’t you fellow WP bloggers feel sort of starry-eyed and privileged to actually have a website?  I mean, I feel like I’m not doing enough, like I should have a webcam on me or something.  It’s not like I’m a fit, disrobed, 23 year old Czech or Ukrainian woman who looks high, but, say I wear just some swim trunks, you know?  It could be “kevindoingthesupperdishesinhisswimsuit dot com.”  Whatever it takes to get people to pay $2.95 a month each to my account for the “privilege” of watching that.

Oh, by the way, Esmerelda, please pencil me in for a 7 pm session this Saturday.  I’ve been very, very bad this week.

This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Hey WordPress, Is Anyone Actually Reading Me?

  1. gene3067 says:

    Dude, you’re doin’ fine. And yes, I do read your posts. Like you, I do feel guilty when I don’t post anything. I feel obligated to get a certain number out to satisfy my conscious. (Three.)

    It is odd that Esmerelda is your Dom. You really want ED at 7pm on a Saturday?

    • I found a wordpress forum somewhere from last November where a bunch of people already said the same things I said. I appreciate you reading my stuff. I’ve tried to change my reading settings to just show a “summary” but apparently it isn’t going into effect, for some reason that I shouldn’t have to investigate like I’m a computer private eye. I’m starting to hate WordPress. One theme in that forum was that WP is trying to be more “mobile-friendly”. Today, Feb. 2nd, when I finally answered this comment, I posted a new post and 2 nice folks liked it right away but the only “read” in my stats was from earlier today. I guess the solution is to be good enough that people are compelled to “like” or “comment”, and just be happy about that.
      Esmerelda rejected me; she has people watching me and told me that she’s never seen anyone less deserving of punishment this week than I was.

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    Every time I try to book a 7 p.m. on a Saturday with Esmerelda, she’s always booked. Now I know why.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s